Confusion and Hurt

My heart, my love is gone from me for good. We argued and he said that i was not to contact him ever again. I have tried repeatedly to text him, to try to fix this. He won't even acknowledge my texts. He's probably deleting them without ever reading them.

I have a feeling he went back to being a slave and has a Domme. It's been about a month or more that he stopped texting me except when he had to. He doesn't take any of my phone calls. He told me to call him last week but sent me directly to voice mail. Didn't even acknowledge that i called. I sent him a snotty text message saying how happy i was that i got to talk to his voice mail ONCE AGAIN. He didn't even apologize or try and call me back. That's why i think he has a Domme. He's done this before. Same behavior.

So why am i crying over this? He doesn't want me and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I was angry with him for not talking to me, for ignoring me. So now i'm crying, hurting, and trying to get him back. I guess when you love someone so much it doesn't matter.
I just wish i could have Bob back. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could fix this. To work together on making things better. I miss him so much. I never want to hurt this much ever again.
To add to all this, my best friend Rob told me that he has feelings for me... more than friendship, but he's confused. We spent a few hours last night talking about all this. He let me ask questions and let me ramble on more than i should have. We are both are afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid to get involved again. And right now i am hurting so it feels good to get that kind of attention from a man... he calls me baby and babe. I can text him and tell him i want him to hold me while i cry. He texted me last night told me to take a deep breath, smile and kiss him.

He lives in Colorado and may be moving back to California soon. The phone he uses for texting (he has 2) gets turned off periodically because he doesn't have the money to keep it on (he's got a Boost phone). I wish i had my own money then i could at least send him some to help him keep it on.

Without the option of texting it could be days or as much as week between when we can talk (like it will be this coming week). For me it's so hard to not talk to someone i care about for so long. That's what drove me nuts with Bob.

What's even worse is that there is a 2 hour time difference, so by the time he gets home from work at night, showers, and eats, it's like 9:30 my time. The last few days it's been after midnight before i got to sleep.

When i talk to Rob later today i'm gonna kinda blow off what i told him last night about how i feel. I think i said too much because all of a sudden he sends me a text saying he's tired, nite. Just out of no where. So i'm just gonna play it down... tell him that the reasons why i feel the way i do is because right now i am hurting and it feels good to have someone care & give me a little tlc. That i miss him during the day because i have no one to talk to so i watch the clock waiting for him to get home so we can talk. End of story. Hopefully that will fix things.

My husband doesn't like me seeing my therapist. I'm starting to be able to stand up for myself. He can't control me any more. I won't let him. I am trying to grow as a person. I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's scary. But i know i can do it. If i want my life to change i have to be the one to do it.

All we've been doing is fighting lately.He's put the screws on me.. i can't go anywhere myself (he even follows me to the bathroom!). i have to go with him or not at all. When i do go with him i can't wander away. I have to be within his site.. not more than 5 or 10 feet away. I hate that because i like to do things on my own. I need so space to unwind. To relax. Or to just think things through. I used to be able to take my dog to the park or on the bike trail. Now i can't go unless he comes with me. If i am so much as 5 minute late getting home at night he starts calling and won't give up. I got home late one night and he had called like 5 times. if i don't get out of here soon....

Ever since i got out of 4 Winds i stopped feeling i wanted to die. No matter how bad things got taking my life wasn't an option. I just wanted to work on changing things. Now... i've reached my breaking point. There are days lately when i just wish i were dead. I can't do this anymore.

I had a job interview for a photographer position! I almost fell off my chair when they called! This is amazing! My asshole husband won't let me take the job full time because it doesn't pay the same as my current job. When i went to the interview that was one thing the manager was impressed with... that i was available any time. I hated having to tell him that i was only available part time. I probably won't get the job because of that. Even though the manager was impressed with my portfolio and my credits.

And of course when i told my asshole husband that i had been called for an interview his only response was what time was i going to be home because we had to have dinner. Not one ounce of support. Nothing. Nada. I was all giggly and happy. He had to go and break that. No... that's wrong... i LET him do it. I shouldn't have. But i was happy... and no one gave a shit.As usual.

When is enough too much?

Will i never learn? The last time i got silence from him this much was when he was with a Domme. She wouldn't let him talk to me or contact me in any way. I think that's what's going on this time. I'm sure if I look on Collar Me I will find his profile there saying he's owned and collared or at least back to the same "bisexual male slave willing to relocate". Same shit. Never changes.

Yet my pathetic ass loves him. Wants him. Would do anything to make him happy. I am afraid to contact him because I am so angry with him. It will just be snippy, angry words. I don't want another fight. Just want him to be honest with me.

He wanted me to call last week...said he missed my voice. But i was to call and leave a voice mail message. Then i asked if i could call after my therapy appt. He said ok. So i did. he sent me to voice mail. Won't talk to me. Barely texts me. When he does he says shit like he just wants me to keep loving him, thinking of you, just knowing you're here right now helps.... and on and on.... All b.s. lies.

My heart hurts. He does this to me all the time. And i let him. I let him walk all over me. I asked him about a few rules.. what about internet... too tired to talk about it. Asked him how i could earn a phone call... to exhausted to talk.. maybe tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. He said he was going to write me a long email... 2 weekends in a row. Never did. Too weak to sit at the computer. But he can sit at a goddamned poker table for 3 days. He can drive to the Jersey shore, to Atlantic City... but he can't drive up to see me for a few hours. Said "suppose it's my turn now, huh?' when i told him that Kate's Dom came to spend the night with her. I just said "lol" because i know he never will.

He said that we need to have a serious talk about us meeting and me getting out of here. He said he wants to make this real. Yeah yeah... more bullshit. And i believe every freakin lie because i want to. because i am pathetic. because i WANT to believe SOMEONE loves me.

He probably never did have a heart attack. Stan, Mike, and Bob are probably one and the same person.

And all he has to do to make me smile is send me some freakin text message... something sweet... and all my anger goes out the freakin window. How pathetic is that?

Top it all off I'm being forced to go back to a job that i hate. met with her yesterday. Same shit, different day. Nothing changes. All my fault, i wouldn't listen, yadda yadda.

Sometimes i wonder if it is me. I've had so many people tell me that. Maybe i am too stubborn for my own good. Maybe i just don't listen. i don't like change. i am a creature of habit. Too many things changing at once and i can't handle it. I feel like i am dangling by a string being held over a cliff. Waiting for it to all fall apart. To free fall with no one to catch me.

My life is a train wreck and its no ones fault but my own. My friends say i haven't been there for them and I know that. I've been trying to make this thing with Bob work but it doesn't happen. I try and try and try but nothing ever works. Ever. The harder i try the less i get. The more i want something the further away from me it gets. i give up. No point in even trying anymore. I give in and i give up.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

This whole thing with Bob and I makes me wonder. All over the internet he is goes by "Mike" which is his dead twin brothers' name.

He tells me he does not have the strength to sit in front of a computer to send me an email yet he can spend 3 days at a poker table in Atlantic City.

He does not call me anymore. It is strictly text messages. And he hardly even does that any more. He tells me to keep loving him, that he loves me and cares about me... yet this is the way he shows is... by lying to me?!?!???!

It seems as if my whole life is falling apart before me and i am helpless to do anything about it. My husband disappears for hours at a time with no word of where he is going. If he does tell me its some bs story. My nerves are on edge.

I quit my job so that's adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to be forced to go back to my old job. It seems I can't escape no matter what I do. I can't escape any part of my life. I am helpless to change anything in my life. I am just a puppet for everyone else. I can't stand this anymore.

I take Xanax a lot to try to take the edge off. I can't keep living on medications to get through my life. And speaking of which, I'm just about out of everything that I take and no money to get anything refilled.

I've had a head cold which is killing me but i don't want to ask for anything because i know we don't have the money. I had a melanoma (skin cancer) patch removed from my foot last week. I could have used some ibuprofen for the pain but didn't ask for that either. Figured i would just deal with it. So now I have to wait for those results as well. 3 more days. If i don't hear anything then i know everything is ok.

I can't deal anymore. My nerves are shot. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just curl up and cry. I just want Bob to hold me but I know that's not a reality. He's just a fantasy. He will never be real. Just some photographs and text messages. Story of my life. I hate my life. I'm sick of it all.

I hate my premonitions

i hate when my premonitions come true. He's in the hospital. Happened sometime last night. i don't know what happened. No one will tell me anything. His best friend sent me a text message this morning and told me what happened. I started crying. I knew something was going to go wrong.

At least i was only half right though. He's not dead nor is he going to be any time soon. His friend said that he was not going to die, that he would be ok. Just that the dr's said he should have been in the hospital sooner. DUH!!! i knew that days ago!! His friend wants me to talk to my Master.. hoping that he will listen to me. Yeah right. i've been trying to the point that i've become a real brat.

i haven't heard anything from anyone since early this morning. His friend was supposed to call me. He never did. He hasn't told me anything since. Sometimes i wonder... Master won't come see me, he won't let me come down there. Things happen to him and i hear from his friend, yet i am not allowed to talk to anyone. Just text messages.

i stopped my check ins, which he's not going to be happy with. We went over this on Friday. He does the thinking, i do the obeying. Which i am fine with. I was fine with everything. i like the way things are.

He had me cleaning my room yesterday. i had to send pics when i was done. i didn't mind. i had nothing to do but lay in bed anyway, so that gave me something to do. My room is nice and clean now. And i'm going to try and keep it that way for him. Maybe in a few days i'll take some more pics and show him that my room is still clean. :)

My Crohn's has gotten really bad. i can't eat anything. haven't eaten in 2 days. i can't. Makes my insides hurt too much. The other day i felt like my intestines had been pulled through a soda straw. It's just now starting to feel a bit better....as long as i don't eat. Soda doesn't help.. makes me sick. i had popsicles.. those seemed to be ok. Juice is ok. Other than that... forget it.

i've lost 14 lbs in the last 2 months or so. Which i don't mind. I seriously need to lose some weight. My idiot husband doesn't help though. We were just talking last night about how i don't want to put the weight back on. So what does he do... he orders from the Schwans catalog... hamburgers, cheese, onions & mushrooms, etc. Not one single thing that i wanted out of the catalog. Didn't even asked me. Did it while i was at church. i didn't even know he was planning on getting anything. He knew the stuff i wanted because i showed it to him, even read it to him. Jerk. Idiot. i told him i can't eat the stuff he got anyway because of my Crohn's.

He keeps telling me i have to eat. And i keep telling him i have an aversion to being doubled over in pain for 6 hours and then feeling like i'd been run over by a freight train. The last time i felt that crappy.. last week, Master told me to go to sleep early. 8:30pm he had me in bed.

Just got a text from him, he's ok. Gonna try to pull some info out of him... like pulling teeth from a mule.

Premonitions

It was for real. He meant it. All my rules back in place and then some. And as usual, His health takes a nose dive. i stopped my check ins. And i told him. And He told me! slaves don't think... their Masters' do. slaves obey. And i have.

i haven't heard from Him since lunchtime (well, my lunchtime). He said he was feeling better. i don't think so. He's been sleeping all day. i haven't heard word one from Him. Not a peep. Not a "nods" or a "smiles". Nothing. But He wants me to keep checking in. He wants to keep things in place. i don't know why. For Him? For me?

i had a horrible premonition last night. That he would be dead within 48 hours. My premonitions are never wrong. When He told me today that He was feeling better, i was thankful that i was wrong this time. But He's not better. i think He just told me that so that i would relax. He knew that i was upset last night. He knew that i had been crying.

He won't even let me come see Him. Just a weekend. That's all i am asking. i told Him i would even be willing to just sit on the floor and watch Him sleep. Am i asking for too much? To spend 2 days with the Man i love more than life itself. To be able to put my arms around Him. To talk to Him. To look into those beautiful blue eyes of His.

i was just told to shut up and obey.... so i had better get off this. i don't have permission to be on here. i didn't ask. i just came home from work and turned it on. Bad decision on my part. THIS is why slaves don't think! lol

Independence is.....being owned.

If nothing else happens today.. it will still be a wonderful day!!!! My sweet love.... oh excuse me...my MASTER tried calling me at quarter to 6 this morning but i missed his call. i sent him a few texts, but didn't really get anything back until i told him that i was sorry that i got to bed late. i then got a "nods" from him (to me it means something). And a few seconds later got a phone call from him. He called me lil one (which is his kind of a pet name for me) and kind of chastised me for having the ringer off on my phone. Said he would see me soon and that he loved me. So i texted him back and apologized... called him my love... he texted back to knock off the love stuff and address him properly. So i did with a proper Yes Master.

OMG i could have exploded or imploded (since i had to sit here and do it quietly!). I am sooooo happy!!!! The only thing that would make me happier if he were standing in front of me and asking me to marry him. But this will do! :)

I don't know how long this will last because of his health. Maybe he got some good news from the doctor, or maybe for now he is feeling better. Who knows. It may only last a day or 2 like it did the last time. Only time will tell.

He didn't reinstate my rules or anything else. But he does know that i am trying to stick to some of the rules he gave me. I don't want to over analyze the situation. I want to enjoy it for what it is. Even if it's just for today. I will get one nice day like i did last Sunday. It's days like that that get me through the week.

Not planning on anything today. Not really in the mood to do anything. I'm not up for seeing fireworks. For some reason i have developed an aversion to large crowds. Just don't have the patience for it. Maybe just take my dog for a walk if the weather holds.

Regrets?

My love and i keep missing each other. He was supposed to call me last night. He thought i was gonna call at lunch time (i had said that if he WANTED i would call... when he didn't say anything i figured he didn't want me to). I called him tonight when i got out of work but only got voice mail. i just sent him a text message telling him that i had some time to myself if he felt like talking. Guess he's sleeping.

He tried a trick question today... he wanted to know who my new Dom was. i told him no one, that i wasn't looking. Said i was quite happy with the man that i have and that he's all i want and need. i got the reply "good answer lol". Made me happy to know that he still wants me to himself. That really made my afternoon!

Ever since my best friend and i had that argument, and i just walked away from things... i feel a lot better. Like some kind of weight has been taken from me. i still have all the other problems to deal with. I should have listened to my body sooner, it was telling me that the things i was doing (or trying to do) were wrong. So now i've made a few minor changes to my life... gone back to just a few of the rules that my love (when he was my Master) had set out for me to follow. I try to be in bed by 10:30 every night. I try to limit the time i am on computer. I go to church every Sunday. I say my prayers every night (and try to do at least part of my rosary). Yes, i TRY to be a good Catholic girl. (I said TRY... doesn't mean i always succeed!!) Just those little things have made a difference.

I have taken the stance that i don't need to justify myself to anyone. If people don't like what i am doing that's just tough shit. I don't care. That's what my love has done. If people don't care for what he's doing, or the way he's doing it then it's just too damn bad. That's a pretty good idea.

My friends don't like my love. I respect their views and understand why they feel that way. At this point, though, i'm not going to worry about what he's done in the past. I want to spend time with him in whatever way we can. I am EXTREMELY protective of my love and he knows it. And is happy with it. I may not be there physically with him to deal with things... but it's the thought that counts. And i am fiercely loyal to him. If people can't understand that, well... i can't help that. I know what i feel. And that's all that counts.

Am i going to get hurt? Probably. Will i regret any of this? Never. I know in my heart that what i am doing is the right thing.

It's been a year already......

Woke up not long ago. Wanted to cry. Knew what day it was. Been wanting to cry ever since. Had to take something to calm me so I can get through the day, or at least the morning. Hurts just as much now as the day he died. Can't believe it's been a year already.

Texted my love when I woke up. Was hoping to get something back. He knows I'm scared. I know he said he would contact me sometime today. But a simple "morning" would have been reassuring. (That's what I sent him.)

I wish it weren't so early. I'd love to get dressed and get out of here. I'm restless, which is was usually happens when I am nervous. It's crappy out. Going to rain again. Was hoping to go down to the docks, soak up a little sunshine, and think about them both. Like my friend told me, think of him not with sadness but with loving memories.. which there are alot.

Why can't I catch a break with my life? Just once have something good happen. Just once.

Where I am at now

I set up this blog as a way to vent my thoughts and feelings about something very emotional going on in my life right now. It's not going to win any prizes or have a whole lot of views. And that's ok. I just need a place to go so I can sort things out. I can no longer talk to my friends about this. And I am tired of going around muttering to myself. I think my therapist is so confused with all my issues he doesn't know which end is up. So here's my story.

I've been with my sweetheart for a year now. He lives in NJ and I live in upstate NY. In the entire year we have been together we have never seen each other face to face. He always had an excuse. But I overlooked it because I love him.

We've had our share of bad times, and that is why I can't say anything more about this to my friends. They dislike him immensely. They don't want to hear about it anymore. For some reason they can't seem to see the good things. I guess because of what is going on now I can only see the good things because that is all that I want to remember. I am fully aware of all the crap he's put me through. But that is in the past. Over and done with.

To add a little twist to this whole story, I am involved in an alternative lifestyle known as BDSM. I got involved in it because of him. I was his slave and he was my Master. Although it was very difficult at times, i learned slowly and he was patient with me (ok, maybe not all the time!). But he took things slow, let me learn a little at a time. We learned together actually. Now that I don't have that anymore I greatly miss it. I miss the rules, the structure, the constant contact with him. He told me to focus on him. He became my world. Now I don't have that world and I am lost.

To complicate matters further, he is dying. Heart failure. He has cut himself off from everyone and everything in order to preserve his health. This includes me. I know hardly anything anymore as to what is going on in his life. I know that as of this writing he is back in the hosptial. Which scares the crap out of me because a year ago today his twin brother died of the exact same thing. I have asked him to either text me or call me and let me know how he feels... and he knows why i asked that. He said he would.

Let's add insult to injury. I was engaged to his twin brother. I still love him and miss him very much. And today is going to be a difficult day for me.

My life the soap opera. Believe me, I would do anything to have a nice quiet life. A dull, boring life. But that dull, boring life would have to consist of me married to him. The 2 of us creating a new life together. A fresh start. Just like he and I talked about, planned. Never happened.

I hate not hearing from him. I hate not knowing what's going on. He told me the other day that there is a lot of stress, in more than one way, with he and I. This has sat in my head and just made me feel... I don't know I can't find the word... not horrible, maybe restless... regret.... I want to say I'm sorry because I know that 90% of that stress came from me. My whole situation, the constant interruptions, the fact that I am a very emotional person who tends to fly off the handle at a drop of a hat, I jump to conclussions too easily. Maybe that comes from never having the stability with him. A lot of the time I never knew where I stood. He and I had so many ups and downs. We were always breaking up, getting back together.

The distance didn't help any. The fact that he would never come and see me no matter how much I asked. And now I will never get to see him at all, ever. There is too much stress for us to be together. He asked me would I rather have him long term this way or would I like to have him for a weekend and then he would be gone. Great choice.

That's all I have asked for.... actually even less. I asked to spend an afternoon together. Maybe go for coffee. I would even pay. I just wanted to know what it was like to be held, to be kissed by a man who loves me dearly. To know what it is like to touch him, to be able to look into those gorgeous blue eyes and say I love you. And now I will never get the chance. Just like his brother.

We only knew each other for 5 weeks and 4 days. He died the day before I was to go down and see him. Due to an incident I was unable to go to the funeral either. He was cremated so there's not even a grave site to visit. I had to say my good byes over the phone.

Am I going to have to do that again? Is that the only way I'm going to get to see him? When he's in the casket? I just hope someone has the decency to call me and at least let me know.

I have no idea at this point how he is feeling except what he has told me. When I asked him how long he has been in the hospital he wouldn't answer me. Just said that he had an arguement with his sister, got chest pains, and was in the hospital. He said he was feeling better and was hoping to be discharged today.

When I talked to him on the phone on Sunday afternoon he sounded really good. The photos he sent... mmmmm.... new look DEFINITELY suits him!!! Talk about good looking! Wow! :) This new look makes him look more like a Dominant than ever! I am one lucky lady to have a good guy like him. Even through all the crap, all the stress, he stayed with me. And basically we are still together. When he texted me tonight, to tell me about the hospital, he started with "hi my love". Made me smile. It was what followed that made my heart sink.

I have been praying every night. And I do believe God is listening. There has been lots of good news. But there has also been lots of bad news. He had been told a few weeks ago that his heart was getting stronger. Which was followed by news of 3 blood clots. The chest pains aren't going to do his heart any good either. It will just further weaken it.

He had tried to get away to the Jersey shore to just relax. He loves the beach as much as I do. He said he even felt better once he got there. And I am so glad. But this argument with his sister... just wasn't worth it. Undo all the good. His family should know better and so should he.

It was hard enough losing his brother. I don't want to know what this is going to be like. I try to save every voice mail message, every photograph, every text message. I even made a cd with a few voice mail messages on it... the "precious" ones.. the ones that were special.

I am dealing with this all on my own, with the exception of my therapist. And it's going to be a few weeks before I can see him again. So maybe this blog will be a good thing. Sometimes if you just get things out of your head, it's easier to think and to deal. We shall see..........