Today has been one of those days. Actually, seeing how it's the end of January, it's been one of those months. The kind that leaves you wondering if things will ever get better.
The month started out with having my trust betrayed by someone doing something behind my back. The kind of thing that is "Do as I say, not as I do". (I had mentioned it in a earlier blog.)
Then it was a $375 car repair. The ball joint on the drivers' side of the car went. Luckily I wasn't driving it and Daddy was when it went out. AND He wasn't on the highway. The mechanic said if He'd been on the highway when it went, He could've been killed.
Then it was my cat with something wrong that I have no clue as to what and no money to take him to the vets. Leaving me to hope he gets better. (He's looking a little better.)
Then it was having the cable internet installed but losing our cable tv service.
And now today, another car repair. This one at a costly sum of $600 which we don't have. It took everything we had and then some. So now we have to make it till I get paid next week.
Not to mention that I was on my way to my psych appointments. So now I have to call and get those rescheduled.
This will just add to my anxiety when I have to be in the car. It's bad enough that when the car died I was at an intersection with the hazard lights on, $19 in my purse and no way to call for help (we can't afford to have 2 phones, so Daddy just has his Boost phone).
There was a lady who stopped to help me. She let me use her phone to call home, but Daddy was asleep and never heard the phone. But this woman kept calling and by the time the tow truck pulled up He was just coming out of the house. He'd already called the mechanic to let him know he was on his way up with the car. The lady that called said that I was very upset, so He knew what to expect.
All I do is worry. The bills just keep mounting up. I was ALMOST on time with the rent. ALMOST caught up. And now look..I couldn't pay the rent the last time I got paid. MAYBE, if my tax refund comes in on time, then I'll be able to pay the rent and buy some groceries.
It's just a never ending struggle and I'm tired. I'm worn out. My nerves are frazzled to the point that I shake almost every time I have to leave the house. It's just getting harder and harder for me to handle each day. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I know that there are other people who have it even worse. I mean, at least I have a warm house to live in, food in the fridge, and a job. But there has to be more to life than just existing. There has got to be more than just living pay check to pay check and hope nothing goes wrong. I just can't seem to catch a break.
I have been putting off getting a second job because I just can't handle it right now. But I have no choice. We can't live on what Daddy gets for unemployment and my pay check. We have more bills than money.
All I see is my life going down hill instead of getting better. Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's a friggen rock slide blocking the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed because I fear something else going wrong.
My cat is all curled up next to me and purring. The dog is on my blanket on the floor next to the heater snoring. I wish I could be like that. Their lives are so simple.
Well, we finally got internet back. And it's nice to be back online again. Sort of. I have internet at work, so I've been checking in with my Facebook account. Not missing anything great. I've been following a bunch of tech & science pages (there's my inner geek coming out! lol) so I'm just getting caught up with that stuff. And trying to think about what I want to write about....
So, here I sit listening to Pandora. Country Music is the genre of choice tonight. "What Kinda Gone" by Chris Cagel is currently playing. Good, toe-tappin' kinda music!
Ahhh..another favorite.."Red Solo Cup"!! Admit it..we all have them!!!! But, Toby Keith has made them cool to have!!! lol
I shoulda been a down-home country girl. I love the country. I love being on a farm. I would love to sit on the front porch swing with a glass of pink lemonade on a hot summers' evening watching the fire flies and hearing the crickets and frogs chirping. Where, no matter how old you are, your parents are still Momma and Daddy. Where people still have manners and say please and thank ya Ma'am. Where the 3 most important things in life are God, Country and Family.
Cowboys are still cowboys but instead of horses they ride in pick-up trucks. And country girls still make the best woman a man could ask for for a wife. She's full of sweet sugar but with a twist of vinegar. And if you're a youngin' and you "gone done bad" you know you're in for a whoopin!
But sadly, for the American farmer, it's no longer profitable to be a farmer. And factory work isn't an automatic guaranteed job either. Technology and a crappy economy is slowly destroying a way of life that's been around for more than 100 years.I just hope that it doesn't become extinct. It is part of our country. Our heritage. The kind of values this country was founded on.
A perfect song just came on to describe what I am trying to put into words "We Rode In Trucks" by Luke Bryan.
"Down where I was born was heaven on earth Where Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright
We raised cotton and corn, a little cane and kids You either lived on a farm or wished you did And Jesus always walked close by our side Where I grew up, we rode in trucks
There's a lot about life we learned on the bus How to lie, how to fight, how to kiss, how to cuss The closer we sat to the back, the smarter we got
We were poor, we were ugly, we were all best friends Wide-eyed, baptized but still wantin' to sin Thank God, we get more than just one shot Where I grew up, we rode in trucks
That's us haulin' hay in the field with the radio on That's us headin' straight into town when the work was done In my mind I can still see us now, ridin' down Buck Island Road It wasn't that long ago
We thought tobacco and beer in a can Was all it would take to be like our old man Then I saw how it made my momma cry
It was huntin' and fishin' and football games Then it was girls and everything changed Fallin' in and out of love, we rode in trucks
That's us with our tailgates down in the parking lot That's us with mud on our tires when it rained a lot In my mind I can still see us now, ridin' down Buck Island Road It wasn't that long ago, it's a part of my soul, yeah It's a part of my soul, yeah
Down where I was born was heaven on earth Where Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright Where I grew up, we rode in trucks"
And so that's my ramble for tonight, such as it is.
I've gotten to thinking lately about the show "Columbo". I haven't seen it in a long time but every once in a while they run some episodes on cable TV. I always liked Columbo because of his unassuming mannerisms. He looked like some bumbling detective that wasn't really paying attention. But in all actuality he was noticing all the small details that no one else did. I always liked the way he'd approach the guilty party or someone associated with the crime and would say "Excuse me, Ma'am/Sir..I just have one more question for you." And, of course, the person would get all flustered and wonder why all the questions.
I guess I like him because he's a lot like me. I will dig and dig till I get the answers to the questions I have. It's as the saying goes, nothing is as it may seem. In a way, archaeologists and other scientists are like that too. They find a little piece of evidence and are able to build an entire case around that piece. And maybe that's why i like to read mystery novels and forensic mysteries. I'm like that annoying 4 year old that's always asking "But why...?"
When I am bothered by something I will keep searching until I either reach a dead end or I find the answers that I seek. Unfortunately, life isn't always that easy. Some times things just are. There is no answer. And those are the things that bug me the most. When I want to know why but I can't find the answer.
I am bipolar. And because of that, my mind will race when it is quietest. That's when those little "but why..." questions will haunt me. But also sometimes you can over think a situation until you've made it worse than it really was. And I think I do that sometimes just because I don't have all the answers to my questions. I torture myself into sleeplessness because I will dwell on a problem so much that in my mind I've turned it into the worst case scenario. It's part and parcel of the anxiety that comes with depression. It's called "Catastrophic Thinking".
So what to do when you don't have all the answers? When you just have to let something be because you can't find the answer? It almost becomes a paranoia because you feel like people are lying to you, or keeping things from you for one reason or another.
Like Columbo, I have that little voice inside that says something is just not right. That there's more to the story than is being told. Where I want to say "Excuse me... just one more question". I go over the "crime scene" in my mind with a fine tooth comb. I will analyze things that were said. And then something will pop in the back of my brain which makes me realize I DON'T have the whole story. And like Columbo, I will go back and take a second or even third look at the circumstances. "I don't mean to be a pest..but.." as Columbo would say when taking another look at the crime scene.
If only life were like a crime drama. Where it turns out that the person who we thought all along was the innocent person was actually the perpetrator of the crime. But in "real life" we're not always that lucky. Sometimes it is the guilty one who gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist, IF they get caught at all. People know how to be clever and how to lie their way out of a situation. It's human nature. It's not right, but that's how life is some times. No one ever said life was fair or it was going to be easy.
As I was headed into work this morning, someone had taped a flyer or sorts on the parking garage door to the elevator. It said "Free Positive Thoughts..Take One". So I did. I have it taped to my computer monitor at work. One line says "Let go, Let Be." Not always easy for someone who needs answers to questions. But at least those words will be in front of me every day and maybe someday they will sink in.
I've always had a hard time figuring out where i fit in. There never seems to be a place where i'm truly comfortable, except maybe in my bed. I know my mental illness has something to do with it, as well as my past.
For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle.
Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this.
But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting.
i call hubby "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says.
You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.
The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.
It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.
I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken".
And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life.
One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.
My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance.There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.
And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!).My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out.
My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be.
I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this
blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My
Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel.
The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my
fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i
don't change things.
This blog has been inactive for quite some time. Matter of fact I had completely forgotten about it till i started reading some other blogs and stumbled across mine. So I figured, why not use it.. it's still there. Maybe it will give me a way of getting out what's on my chest. Daddy says I'm a good writer. But all I'm doing really is writing what's going on in my brain. So i thought my first post would be about friends and friendship...or in my case the lack there of.... It seems that for me, making and keeping friends seems to be impossible. I will make friends with someone but it seems as if after a few weeks they move on. This seems to be especially true in the online world. You "meet" people in chat rooms or on places like Facebook. For a while they're your friends. You chat every time you are online. You gravitate towards the same groups. But it seems like when all the "newness" wears off or you find other interests or what have you, then the friends you have made disappear. They all have their own lives, their own interests...it just doesn't include you anymore. The best example of this that i can think of is to think back to when you were a teenager. I remember how when my girlfriends would have a new boyfriend no one would hear from them. It was like they dropped off the face of the earth. But as soon as problems would arise in the relationship or they'd break up..it's always the BFF's to the rescue. I see this in the "real world" as well. There are gals i have known for the last 30 years..we went to high school together, we live only a few miles from each other. And yet we never hang out, we never talk. They are busy with their own lives, their own families. Maybe it's just a girl thing. Daddy has a bunch of friends that he's known since childhood. They all grew up in the same neighborhood, got into trouble together, drank together, partied together...and now they're middle aged men with families. They don't hang out a lot but still keep in touch. Sometimes they'll get together for a summer bar-be-cue or the wifes' birthday or the kids' graduation. And they're just a phone call away if they need help with anything. And so brings me to my quandary. i can never seem to make friends and if i manage to make some, i can't seem to keep them. It's very lonely when you don't have gal pals to chat with or hang out with. There's a gal who lives upstairs from me. We have become sorta friends. But it seems like i only hear from her when she wants something. I can't blame her, really. She has 3 small children running around. I remember when my kids were little like that..i was lucky if i had time to go to the bathroom. I created a page on Facebook (aside from my "public" profile) but hardly anyone looks at it. I only started it, really, as a way that i could post pics and comments that i didn't want on my public page and stuff i wanted Daddy to see but couldn't post publicly on his wall. It's disheartening, in a way, to see that there really isn't any interest in it. Maybe i'll rename it and try something different. Maybe it's just that the page is more of the same of what's out there. It's worth trying. Maybe I'll do that before I go to bed. Maybe it's the lack of anti-depressants that's making me feel this way. Maybe i'm just tired. I dunno. Each day is a crap shoot as to how I will feel. And so i will slog on.... tomorrow is another day.....
