I hate my premonitions

i hate when my premonitions come true. He's in the hospital. Happened sometime last night. i don't know what happened. No one will tell me anything. His best friend sent me a text message this morning and told me what happened. I started crying. I knew something was going to go wrong.

At least i was only half right though. He's not dead nor is he going to be any time soon. His friend said that he was not going to die, that he would be ok. Just that the dr's said he should have been in the hospital sooner. DUH!!! i knew that days ago!! His friend wants me to talk to my Master.. hoping that he will listen to me. Yeah right. i've been trying to the point that i've become a real brat.

i haven't heard anything from anyone since early this morning. His friend was supposed to call me. He never did. He hasn't told me anything since. Sometimes i wonder... Master won't come see me, he won't let me come down there. Things happen to him and i hear from his friend, yet i am not allowed to talk to anyone. Just text messages.

i stopped my check ins, which he's not going to be happy with. We went over this on Friday. He does the thinking, i do the obeying. Which i am fine with. I was fine with everything. i like the way things are.

He had me cleaning my room yesterday. i had to send pics when i was done. i didn't mind. i had nothing to do but lay in bed anyway, so that gave me something to do. My room is nice and clean now. And i'm going to try and keep it that way for him. Maybe in a few days i'll take some more pics and show him that my room is still clean. :)

My Crohn's has gotten really bad. i can't eat anything. haven't eaten in 2 days. i can't. Makes my insides hurt too much. The other day i felt like my intestines had been pulled through a soda straw. It's just now starting to feel a bit better....as long as i don't eat. Soda doesn't help.. makes me sick. i had popsicles.. those seemed to be ok. Juice is ok. Other than that... forget it.

i've lost 14 lbs in the last 2 months or so. Which i don't mind. I seriously need to lose some weight. My idiot husband doesn't help though. We were just talking last night about how i don't want to put the weight back on. So what does he do... he orders from the Schwans catalog... hamburgers, cheese, onions & mushrooms, etc. Not one single thing that i wanted out of the catalog. Didn't even asked me. Did it while i was at church. i didn't even know he was planning on getting anything. He knew the stuff i wanted because i showed it to him, even read it to him. Jerk. Idiot. i told him i can't eat the stuff he got anyway because of my Crohn's.

He keeps telling me i have to eat. And i keep telling him i have an aversion to being doubled over in pain for 6 hours and then feeling like i'd been run over by a freight train. The last time i felt that crappy.. last week, Master told me to go to sleep early. 8:30pm he had me in bed.

Just got a text from him, he's ok. Gonna try to pull some info out of him... like pulling teeth from a mule.

Premonitions

It was for real. He meant it. All my rules back in place and then some. And as usual, His health takes a nose dive. i stopped my check ins. And i told him. And He told me! slaves don't think... their Masters' do. slaves obey. And i have.

i haven't heard from Him since lunchtime (well, my lunchtime). He said he was feeling better. i don't think so. He's been sleeping all day. i haven't heard word one from Him. Not a peep. Not a "nods" or a "smiles". Nothing. But He wants me to keep checking in. He wants to keep things in place. i don't know why. For Him? For me?

i had a horrible premonition last night. That he would be dead within 48 hours. My premonitions are never wrong. When He told me today that He was feeling better, i was thankful that i was wrong this time. But He's not better. i think He just told me that so that i would relax. He knew that i was upset last night. He knew that i had been crying.

He won't even let me come see Him. Just a weekend. That's all i am asking. i told Him i would even be willing to just sit on the floor and watch Him sleep. Am i asking for too much? To spend 2 days with the Man i love more than life itself. To be able to put my arms around Him. To talk to Him. To look into those beautiful blue eyes of His.

i was just told to shut up and obey.... so i had better get off this. i don't have permission to be on here. i didn't ask. i just came home from work and turned it on. Bad decision on my part. THIS is why slaves don't think! lol

Independence is.....being owned.

If nothing else happens today.. it will still be a wonderful day!!!! My sweet love.... oh excuse me...my MASTER tried calling me at quarter to 6 this morning but i missed his call. i sent him a few texts, but didn't really get anything back until i told him that i was sorry that i got to bed late. i then got a "nods" from him (to me it means something). And a few seconds later got a phone call from him. He called me lil one (which is his kind of a pet name for me) and kind of chastised me for having the ringer off on my phone. Said he would see me soon and that he loved me. So i texted him back and apologized... called him my love... he texted back to knock off the love stuff and address him properly. So i did with a proper Yes Master.

OMG i could have exploded or imploded (since i had to sit here and do it quietly!). I am sooooo happy!!!! The only thing that would make me happier if he were standing in front of me and asking me to marry him. But this will do! :)

I don't know how long this will last because of his health. Maybe he got some good news from the doctor, or maybe for now he is feeling better. Who knows. It may only last a day or 2 like it did the last time. Only time will tell.

He didn't reinstate my rules or anything else. But he does know that i am trying to stick to some of the rules he gave me. I don't want to over analyze the situation. I want to enjoy it for what it is. Even if it's just for today. I will get one nice day like i did last Sunday. It's days like that that get me through the week.

Not planning on anything today. Not really in the mood to do anything. I'm not up for seeing fireworks. For some reason i have developed an aversion to large crowds. Just don't have the patience for it. Maybe just take my dog for a walk if the weather holds.

Regrets?

My love and i keep missing each other. He was supposed to call me last night. He thought i was gonna call at lunch time (i had said that if he WANTED i would call... when he didn't say anything i figured he didn't want me to). I called him tonight when i got out of work but only got voice mail. i just sent him a text message telling him that i had some time to myself if he felt like talking. Guess he's sleeping.

He tried a trick question today... he wanted to know who my new Dom was. i told him no one, that i wasn't looking. Said i was quite happy with the man that i have and that he's all i want and need. i got the reply "good answer lol". Made me happy to know that he still wants me to himself. That really made my afternoon!

Ever since my best friend and i had that argument, and i just walked away from things... i feel a lot better. Like some kind of weight has been taken from me. i still have all the other problems to deal with. I should have listened to my body sooner, it was telling me that the things i was doing (or trying to do) were wrong. So now i've made a few minor changes to my life... gone back to just a few of the rules that my love (when he was my Master) had set out for me to follow. I try to be in bed by 10:30 every night. I try to limit the time i am on computer. I go to church every Sunday. I say my prayers every night (and try to do at least part of my rosary). Yes, i TRY to be a good Catholic girl. (I said TRY... doesn't mean i always succeed!!) Just those little things have made a difference.

I have taken the stance that i don't need to justify myself to anyone. If people don't like what i am doing that's just tough shit. I don't care. That's what my love has done. If people don't care for what he's doing, or the way he's doing it then it's just too damn bad. That's a pretty good idea.

My friends don't like my love. I respect their views and understand why they feel that way. At this point, though, i'm not going to worry about what he's done in the past. I want to spend time with him in whatever way we can. I am EXTREMELY protective of my love and he knows it. And is happy with it. I may not be there physically with him to deal with things... but it's the thought that counts. And i am fiercely loyal to him. If people can't understand that, well... i can't help that. I know what i feel. And that's all that counts.

Am i going to get hurt? Probably. Will i regret any of this? Never. I know in my heart that what i am doing is the right thing.

It's been a year already......

Woke up not long ago. Wanted to cry. Knew what day it was. Been wanting to cry ever since. Had to take something to calm me so I can get through the day, or at least the morning. Hurts just as much now as the day he died. Can't believe it's been a year already.

Texted my love when I woke up. Was hoping to get something back. He knows I'm scared. I know he said he would contact me sometime today. But a simple "morning" would have been reassuring. (That's what I sent him.)

I wish it weren't so early. I'd love to get dressed and get out of here. I'm restless, which is was usually happens when I am nervous. It's crappy out. Going to rain again. Was hoping to go down to the docks, soak up a little sunshine, and think about them both. Like my friend told me, think of him not with sadness but with loving memories.. which there are alot.

Why can't I catch a break with my life? Just once have something good happen. Just once.

Where I am at now

I set up this blog as a way to vent my thoughts and feelings about something very emotional going on in my life right now. It's not going to win any prizes or have a whole lot of views. And that's ok. I just need a place to go so I can sort things out. I can no longer talk to my friends about this. And I am tired of going around muttering to myself. I think my therapist is so confused with all my issues he doesn't know which end is up. So here's my story.

I've been with my sweetheart for a year now. He lives in NJ and I live in upstate NY. In the entire year we have been together we have never seen each other face to face. He always had an excuse. But I overlooked it because I love him.

We've had our share of bad times, and that is why I can't say anything more about this to my friends. They dislike him immensely. They don't want to hear about it anymore. For some reason they can't seem to see the good things. I guess because of what is going on now I can only see the good things because that is all that I want to remember. I am fully aware of all the crap he's put me through. But that is in the past. Over and done with.

To add a little twist to this whole story, I am involved in an alternative lifestyle known as BDSM. I got involved in it because of him. I was his slave and he was my Master. Although it was very difficult at times, i learned slowly and he was patient with me (ok, maybe not all the time!). But he took things slow, let me learn a little at a time. We learned together actually. Now that I don't have that anymore I greatly miss it. I miss the rules, the structure, the constant contact with him. He told me to focus on him. He became my world. Now I don't have that world and I am lost.

To complicate matters further, he is dying. Heart failure. He has cut himself off from everyone and everything in order to preserve his health. This includes me. I know hardly anything anymore as to what is going on in his life. I know that as of this writing he is back in the hosptial. Which scares the crap out of me because a year ago today his twin brother died of the exact same thing. I have asked him to either text me or call me and let me know how he feels... and he knows why i asked that. He said he would.

Let's add insult to injury. I was engaged to his twin brother. I still love him and miss him very much. And today is going to be a difficult day for me.

My life the soap opera. Believe me, I would do anything to have a nice quiet life. A dull, boring life. But that dull, boring life would have to consist of me married to him. The 2 of us creating a new life together. A fresh start. Just like he and I talked about, planned. Never happened.

I hate not hearing from him. I hate not knowing what's going on. He told me the other day that there is a lot of stress, in more than one way, with he and I. This has sat in my head and just made me feel... I don't know I can't find the word... not horrible, maybe restless... regret.... I want to say I'm sorry because I know that 90% of that stress came from me. My whole situation, the constant interruptions, the fact that I am a very emotional person who tends to fly off the handle at a drop of a hat, I jump to conclussions too easily. Maybe that comes from never having the stability with him. A lot of the time I never knew where I stood. He and I had so many ups and downs. We were always breaking up, getting back together.

The distance didn't help any. The fact that he would never come and see me no matter how much I asked. And now I will never get to see him at all, ever. There is too much stress for us to be together. He asked me would I rather have him long term this way or would I like to have him for a weekend and then he would be gone. Great choice.

That's all I have asked for.... actually even less. I asked to spend an afternoon together. Maybe go for coffee. I would even pay. I just wanted to know what it was like to be held, to be kissed by a man who loves me dearly. To know what it is like to touch him, to be able to look into those gorgeous blue eyes and say I love you. And now I will never get the chance. Just like his brother.

We only knew each other for 5 weeks and 4 days. He died the day before I was to go down and see him. Due to an incident I was unable to go to the funeral either. He was cremated so there's not even a grave site to visit. I had to say my good byes over the phone.

Am I going to have to do that again? Is that the only way I'm going to get to see him? When he's in the casket? I just hope someone has the decency to call me and at least let me know.

I have no idea at this point how he is feeling except what he has told me. When I asked him how long he has been in the hospital he wouldn't answer me. Just said that he had an arguement with his sister, got chest pains, and was in the hospital. He said he was feeling better and was hoping to be discharged today.

When I talked to him on the phone on Sunday afternoon he sounded really good. The photos he sent... mmmmm.... new look DEFINITELY suits him!!! Talk about good looking! Wow! :) This new look makes him look more like a Dominant than ever! I am one lucky lady to have a good guy like him. Even through all the crap, all the stress, he stayed with me. And basically we are still together. When he texted me tonight, to tell me about the hospital, he started with "hi my love". Made me smile. It was what followed that made my heart sink.

I have been praying every night. And I do believe God is listening. There has been lots of good news. But there has also been lots of bad news. He had been told a few weeks ago that his heart was getting stronger. Which was followed by news of 3 blood clots. The chest pains aren't going to do his heart any good either. It will just further weaken it.

He had tried to get away to the Jersey shore to just relax. He loves the beach as much as I do. He said he even felt better once he got there. And I am so glad. But this argument with his sister... just wasn't worth it. Undo all the good. His family should know better and so should he.

It was hard enough losing his brother. I don't want to know what this is going to be like. I try to save every voice mail message, every photograph, every text message. I even made a cd with a few voice mail messages on it... the "precious" ones.. the ones that were special.

I am dealing with this all on my own, with the exception of my therapist. And it's going to be a few weeks before I can see him again. So maybe this blog will be a good thing. Sometimes if you just get things out of your head, it's easier to think and to deal. We shall see..........