Confusion and Hurt

My heart, my love is gone from me for good. We argued and he said that i was not to contact him ever again. I have tried repeatedly to text him, to try to fix this. He won't even acknowledge my texts. He's probably deleting them without ever reading them.

I have a feeling he went back to being a slave and has a Domme. It's been about a month or more that he stopped texting me except when he had to. He doesn't take any of my phone calls. He told me to call him last week but sent me directly to voice mail. Didn't even acknowledge that i called. I sent him a snotty text message saying how happy i was that i got to talk to his voice mail ONCE AGAIN. He didn't even apologize or try and call me back. That's why i think he has a Domme. He's done this before. Same behavior.

So why am i crying over this? He doesn't want me and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I was angry with him for not talking to me, for ignoring me. So now i'm crying, hurting, and trying to get him back. I guess when you love someone so much it doesn't matter.
I just wish i could have Bob back. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could fix this. To work together on making things better. I miss him so much. I never want to hurt this much ever again.
To add to all this, my best friend Rob told me that he has feelings for me... more than friendship, but he's confused. We spent a few hours last night talking about all this. He let me ask questions and let me ramble on more than i should have. We are both are afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid to get involved again. And right now i am hurting so it feels good to get that kind of attention from a man... he calls me baby and babe. I can text him and tell him i want him to hold me while i cry. He texted me last night told me to take a deep breath, smile and kiss him.

He lives in Colorado and may be moving back to California soon. The phone he uses for texting (he has 2) gets turned off periodically because he doesn't have the money to keep it on (he's got a Boost phone). I wish i had my own money then i could at least send him some to help him keep it on.

Without the option of texting it could be days or as much as week between when we can talk (like it will be this coming week). For me it's so hard to not talk to someone i care about for so long. That's what drove me nuts with Bob.

What's even worse is that there is a 2 hour time difference, so by the time he gets home from work at night, showers, and eats, it's like 9:30 my time. The last few days it's been after midnight before i got to sleep.

When i talk to Rob later today i'm gonna kinda blow off what i told him last night about how i feel. I think i said too much because all of a sudden he sends me a text saying he's tired, nite. Just out of no where. So i'm just gonna play it down... tell him that the reasons why i feel the way i do is because right now i am hurting and it feels good to have someone care & give me a little tlc. That i miss him during the day because i have no one to talk to so i watch the clock waiting for him to get home so we can talk. End of story. Hopefully that will fix things.

My husband doesn't like me seeing my therapist. I'm starting to be able to stand up for myself. He can't control me any more. I won't let him. I am trying to grow as a person. I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's scary. But i know i can do it. If i want my life to change i have to be the one to do it.

All we've been doing is fighting lately.He's put the screws on me.. i can't go anywhere myself (he even follows me to the bathroom!). i have to go with him or not at all. When i do go with him i can't wander away. I have to be within his site.. not more than 5 or 10 feet away. I hate that because i like to do things on my own. I need so space to unwind. To relax. Or to just think things through. I used to be able to take my dog to the park or on the bike trail. Now i can't go unless he comes with me. If i am so much as 5 minute late getting home at night he starts calling and won't give up. I got home late one night and he had called like 5 times. if i don't get out of here soon....

Ever since i got out of 4 Winds i stopped feeling i wanted to die. No matter how bad things got taking my life wasn't an option. I just wanted to work on changing things. Now... i've reached my breaking point. There are days lately when i just wish i were dead. I can't do this anymore.

I had a job interview for a photographer position! I almost fell off my chair when they called! This is amazing! My asshole husband won't let me take the job full time because it doesn't pay the same as my current job. When i went to the interview that was one thing the manager was impressed with... that i was available any time. I hated having to tell him that i was only available part time. I probably won't get the job because of that. Even though the manager was impressed with my portfolio and my credits.

And of course when i told my asshole husband that i had been called for an interview his only response was what time was i going to be home because we had to have dinner. Not one ounce of support. Nothing. Nada. I was all giggly and happy. He had to go and break that. No... that's wrong... i LET him do it. I shouldn't have. But i was happy... and no one gave a shit.As usual.

When is enough too much?

Will i never learn? The last time i got silence from him this much was when he was with a Domme. She wouldn't let him talk to me or contact me in any way. I think that's what's going on this time. I'm sure if I look on Collar Me I will find his profile there saying he's owned and collared or at least back to the same "bisexual male slave willing to relocate". Same shit. Never changes.

Yet my pathetic ass loves him. Wants him. Would do anything to make him happy. I am afraid to contact him because I am so angry with him. It will just be snippy, angry words. I don't want another fight. Just want him to be honest with me.

He wanted me to call last week...said he missed my voice. But i was to call and leave a voice mail message. Then i asked if i could call after my therapy appt. He said ok. So i did. he sent me to voice mail. Won't talk to me. Barely texts me. When he does he says shit like he just wants me to keep loving him, thinking of you, just knowing you're here right now helps.... and on and on.... All b.s. lies.

My heart hurts. He does this to me all the time. And i let him. I let him walk all over me. I asked him about a few rules.. what about internet... too tired to talk about it. Asked him how i could earn a phone call... to exhausted to talk.. maybe tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. He said he was going to write me a long email... 2 weekends in a row. Never did. Too weak to sit at the computer. But he can sit at a goddamned poker table for 3 days. He can drive to the Jersey shore, to Atlantic City... but he can't drive up to see me for a few hours. Said "suppose it's my turn now, huh?' when i told him that Kate's Dom came to spend the night with her. I just said "lol" because i know he never will.

He said that we need to have a serious talk about us meeting and me getting out of here. He said he wants to make this real. Yeah yeah... more bullshit. And i believe every freakin lie because i want to. because i am pathetic. because i WANT to believe SOMEONE loves me.

He probably never did have a heart attack. Stan, Mike, and Bob are probably one and the same person.

And all he has to do to make me smile is send me some freakin text message... something sweet... and all my anger goes out the freakin window. How pathetic is that?

Top it all off I'm being forced to go back to a job that i hate. met with her yesterday. Same shit, different day. Nothing changes. All my fault, i wouldn't listen, yadda yadda.

Sometimes i wonder if it is me. I've had so many people tell me that. Maybe i am too stubborn for my own good. Maybe i just don't listen. i don't like change. i am a creature of habit. Too many things changing at once and i can't handle it. I feel like i am dangling by a string being held over a cliff. Waiting for it to all fall apart. To free fall with no one to catch me.

My life is a train wreck and its no ones fault but my own. My friends say i haven't been there for them and I know that. I've been trying to make this thing with Bob work but it doesn't happen. I try and try and try but nothing ever works. Ever. The harder i try the less i get. The more i want something the further away from me it gets. i give up. No point in even trying anymore. I give in and i give up.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

This whole thing with Bob and I makes me wonder. All over the internet he is goes by "Mike" which is his dead twin brothers' name.

He tells me he does not have the strength to sit in front of a computer to send me an email yet he can spend 3 days at a poker table in Atlantic City.

He does not call me anymore. It is strictly text messages. And he hardly even does that any more. He tells me to keep loving him, that he loves me and cares about me... yet this is the way he shows is... by lying to me?!?!???!

It seems as if my whole life is falling apart before me and i am helpless to do anything about it. My husband disappears for hours at a time with no word of where he is going. If he does tell me its some bs story. My nerves are on edge.

I quit my job so that's adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to be forced to go back to my old job. It seems I can't escape no matter what I do. I can't escape any part of my life. I am helpless to change anything in my life. I am just a puppet for everyone else. I can't stand this anymore.

I take Xanax a lot to try to take the edge off. I can't keep living on medications to get through my life. And speaking of which, I'm just about out of everything that I take and no money to get anything refilled.

I've had a head cold which is killing me but i don't want to ask for anything because i know we don't have the money. I had a melanoma (skin cancer) patch removed from my foot last week. I could have used some ibuprofen for the pain but didn't ask for that either. Figured i would just deal with it. So now I have to wait for those results as well. 3 more days. If i don't hear anything then i know everything is ok.

I can't deal anymore. My nerves are shot. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just curl up and cry. I just want Bob to hold me but I know that's not a reality. He's just a fantasy. He will never be real. Just some photographs and text messages. Story of my life. I hate my life. I'm sick of it all.