Will i never learn? The last time i got silence from him this much was when he was with a Domme. She wouldn't let him talk to me or contact me in any way. I think that's what's going on this time. I'm sure if I look on Collar Me I will find his profile there saying he's owned and collared or at least back to the same "bisexual male slave willing to relocate". Same shit. Never changes.
Yet my pathetic ass loves him. Wants him. Would do anything to make him happy. I am afraid to contact him because I am so angry with him. It will just be snippy, angry words. I don't want another fight. Just want him to be honest with me.
He wanted me to call last week...said he missed my voice. But i was to call and leave a voice mail message. Then i asked if i could call after my therapy appt. He said ok. So i did. he sent me to voice mail. Won't talk to me. Barely texts me. When he does he says shit like he just wants me to keep loving him, thinking of you, just knowing you're here right now helps.... and on and on.... All b.s. lies.
My heart hurts. He does this to me all the time. And i let him. I let him walk all over me. I asked him about a few rules.. what about internet... too tired to talk about it. Asked him how i could earn a phone call... to exhausted to talk.. maybe tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. He said he was going to write me a long email... 2 weekends in a row. Never did. Too weak to sit at the computer. But he can sit at a goddamned poker table for 3 days. He can drive to the Jersey shore, to Atlantic City... but he can't drive up to see me for a few hours. Said "suppose it's my turn now, huh?' when i told him that Kate's Dom came to spend the night with her. I just said "lol" because i know he never will.
He said that we need to have a serious talk about us meeting and me getting out of here. He said he wants to make this real. Yeah yeah... more bullshit. And i believe every freakin lie because i want to. because i am pathetic. because i WANT to believe SOMEONE loves me.
He probably never did have a heart attack. Stan, Mike, and Bob are probably one and the same person.
And all he has to do to make me smile is send me some freakin text message... something sweet... and all my anger goes out the freakin window. How pathetic is that?
Top it all off I'm being forced to go back to a job that i hate. met with her yesterday. Same shit, different day. Nothing changes. All my fault, i wouldn't listen, yadda yadda.
Sometimes i wonder if it is me. I've had so many people tell me that. Maybe i am too stubborn for my own good. Maybe i just don't listen. i don't like change. i am a creature of habit. Too many things changing at once and i can't handle it. I feel like i am dangling by a string being held over a cliff. Waiting for it to all fall apart. To free fall with no one to catch me.
My life is a train wreck and its no ones fault but my own. My friends say i haven't been there for them and I know that. I've been trying to make this thing with Bob work but it doesn't happen. I try and try and try but nothing ever works. Ever. The harder i try the less i get. The more i want something the further away from me it gets. i give up. No point in even trying anymore. I give in and i give up.
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