Memories of a Shattered Soul

Alone I sit, a song plays, triggering a flood of memories. 

Memories of what once was. 

Summer winds blowing through an open window. 

A light on. 

Sitting alone waiting for someone to talk to. 

A night sky full of stars. 

A quiet room. 

How could I have fallen for a game? Or was it?  

The lines are blurred between what I thought was real and what reality was. 

How could I have fallen?

Crickets chirp. A dog barks in the distance.

Hello, are you there?

Are you listening?

Or am I all alone in this room?

Mistake after mistake I've made.

Will I ever get it right?

Maybe I'm not supposed to.

The distant rumble of thunder.

A flash in the sky.

The scent of rain in the air.

Has it all been in vain?

Why is it this way?

What have I done to deserve this?

What was so horribly wrong that I have done in this life?

I know memories will haunt me forever.

And with it pieces of a shattered heart remain.

Pieces of a shattered soul.

To never be the same again.

Memories that I will forever cherish.

Memories that I will hold onto forever.

And once in a while they will come flooding back to me.

And the feelings of them will engulf my mind and my soul.

Reminding me of a time that was and will never be again.    

           

Missing Pieces

I've always had a hard time figuring out where i fit in. There never seems to be a place where i'm truly comfortable, except maybe in my bed. I know my mental illness has something to do with it, as well as my past.

For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle. 

Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this. 

But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting. 

i call hubby  "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says. 

You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.

The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.

It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.

I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken". 

And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life. 

One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.

My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance. There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.

And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!). My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out. 

My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be. 

I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel. The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i don't change things.

http://youtu.be/xCY2Ok7caeY 

 

When is enough too much?

Will i never learn? The last time i got silence from him this much was when he was with a Domme. She wouldn't let him talk to me or contact me in any way. I think that's what's going on this time. I'm sure if I look on Collar Me I will find his profile there saying he's owned and collared or at least back to the same "bisexual male slave willing to relocate". Same shit. Never changes.

Yet my pathetic ass loves him. Wants him. Would do anything to make him happy. I am afraid to contact him because I am so angry with him. It will just be snippy, angry words. I don't want another fight. Just want him to be honest with me.

He wanted me to call last week...said he missed my voice. But i was to call and leave a voice mail message. Then i asked if i could call after my therapy appt. He said ok. So i did. he sent me to voice mail. Won't talk to me. Barely texts me. When he does he says shit like he just wants me to keep loving him, thinking of you, just knowing you're here right now helps.... and on and on.... All b.s. lies.

My heart hurts. He does this to me all the time. And i let him. I let him walk all over me. I asked him about a few rules.. what about internet... too tired to talk about it. Asked him how i could earn a phone call... to exhausted to talk.. maybe tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. He said he was going to write me a long email... 2 weekends in a row. Never did. Too weak to sit at the computer. But he can sit at a goddamned poker table for 3 days. He can drive to the Jersey shore, to Atlantic City... but he can't drive up to see me for a few hours. Said "suppose it's my turn now, huh?' when i told him that Kate's Dom came to spend the night with her. I just said "lol" because i know he never will.

He said that we need to have a serious talk about us meeting and me getting out of here. He said he wants to make this real. Yeah yeah... more bullshit. And i believe every freakin lie because i want to. because i am pathetic. because i WANT to believe SOMEONE loves me.

He probably never did have a heart attack. Stan, Mike, and Bob are probably one and the same person.

And all he has to do to make me smile is send me some freakin text message... something sweet... and all my anger goes out the freakin window. How pathetic is that?

Top it all off I'm being forced to go back to a job that i hate. met with her yesterday. Same shit, different day. Nothing changes. All my fault, i wouldn't listen, yadda yadda.

Sometimes i wonder if it is me. I've had so many people tell me that. Maybe i am too stubborn for my own good. Maybe i just don't listen. i don't like change. i am a creature of habit. Too many things changing at once and i can't handle it. I feel like i am dangling by a string being held over a cliff. Waiting for it to all fall apart. To free fall with no one to catch me.

My life is a train wreck and its no ones fault but my own. My friends say i haven't been there for them and I know that. I've been trying to make this thing with Bob work but it doesn't happen. I try and try and try but nothing ever works. Ever. The harder i try the less i get. The more i want something the further away from me it gets. i give up. No point in even trying anymore. I give in and i give up.

Premonitions

It was for real. He meant it. All my rules back in place and then some. And as usual, His health takes a nose dive. i stopped my check ins. And i told him. And He told me! slaves don't think... their Masters' do. slaves obey. And i have.

i haven't heard from Him since lunchtime (well, my lunchtime). He said he was feeling better. i don't think so. He's been sleeping all day. i haven't heard word one from Him. Not a peep. Not a "nods" or a "smiles". Nothing. But He wants me to keep checking in. He wants to keep things in place. i don't know why. For Him? For me?

i had a horrible premonition last night. That he would be dead within 48 hours. My premonitions are never wrong. When He told me today that He was feeling better, i was thankful that i was wrong this time. But He's not better. i think He just told me that so that i would relax. He knew that i was upset last night. He knew that i had been crying.

He won't even let me come see Him. Just a weekend. That's all i am asking. i told Him i would even be willing to just sit on the floor and watch Him sleep. Am i asking for too much? To spend 2 days with the Man i love more than life itself. To be able to put my arms around Him. To talk to Him. To look into those beautiful blue eyes of His.

i was just told to shut up and obey.... so i had better get off this. i don't have permission to be on here. i didn't ask. i just came home from work and turned it on. Bad decision on my part. THIS is why slaves don't think! lol

Independence is.....being owned.

If nothing else happens today.. it will still be a wonderful day!!!! My sweet love.... oh excuse me...my MASTER tried calling me at quarter to 6 this morning but i missed his call. i sent him a few texts, but didn't really get anything back until i told him that i was sorry that i got to bed late. i then got a "nods" from him (to me it means something). And a few seconds later got a phone call from him. He called me lil one (which is his kind of a pet name for me) and kind of chastised me for having the ringer off on my phone. Said he would see me soon and that he loved me. So i texted him back and apologized... called him my love... he texted back to knock off the love stuff and address him properly. So i did with a proper Yes Master.

OMG i could have exploded or imploded (since i had to sit here and do it quietly!). I am sooooo happy!!!! The only thing that would make me happier if he were standing in front of me and asking me to marry him. But this will do! :)

I don't know how long this will last because of his health. Maybe he got some good news from the doctor, or maybe for now he is feeling better. Who knows. It may only last a day or 2 like it did the last time. Only time will tell.

He didn't reinstate my rules or anything else. But he does know that i am trying to stick to some of the rules he gave me. I don't want to over analyze the situation. I want to enjoy it for what it is. Even if it's just for today. I will get one nice day like i did last Sunday. It's days like that that get me through the week.

Not planning on anything today. Not really in the mood to do anything. I'm not up for seeing fireworks. For some reason i have developed an aversion to large crowds. Just don't have the patience for it. Maybe just take my dog for a walk if the weather holds.

Where I am at now

I set up this blog as a way to vent my thoughts and feelings about something very emotional going on in my life right now. It's not going to win any prizes or have a whole lot of views. And that's ok. I just need a place to go so I can sort things out. I can no longer talk to my friends about this. And I am tired of going around muttering to myself. I think my therapist is so confused with all my issues he doesn't know which end is up. So here's my story.

I've been with my sweetheart for a year now. He lives in NJ and I live in upstate NY. In the entire year we have been together we have never seen each other face to face. He always had an excuse. But I overlooked it because I love him.

We've had our share of bad times, and that is why I can't say anything more about this to my friends. They dislike him immensely. They don't want to hear about it anymore. For some reason they can't seem to see the good things. I guess because of what is going on now I can only see the good things because that is all that I want to remember. I am fully aware of all the crap he's put me through. But that is in the past. Over and done with.

To add a little twist to this whole story, I am involved in an alternative lifestyle known as BDSM. I got involved in it because of him. I was his slave and he was my Master. Although it was very difficult at times, i learned slowly and he was patient with me (ok, maybe not all the time!). But he took things slow, let me learn a little at a time. We learned together actually. Now that I don't have that anymore I greatly miss it. I miss the rules, the structure, the constant contact with him. He told me to focus on him. He became my world. Now I don't have that world and I am lost.

To complicate matters further, he is dying. Heart failure. He has cut himself off from everyone and everything in order to preserve his health. This includes me. I know hardly anything anymore as to what is going on in his life. I know that as of this writing he is back in the hosptial. Which scares the crap out of me because a year ago today his twin brother died of the exact same thing. I have asked him to either text me or call me and let me know how he feels... and he knows why i asked that. He said he would.

Let's add insult to injury. I was engaged to his twin brother. I still love him and miss him very much. And today is going to be a difficult day for me.

My life the soap opera. Believe me, I would do anything to have a nice quiet life. A dull, boring life. But that dull, boring life would have to consist of me married to him. The 2 of us creating a new life together. A fresh start. Just like he and I talked about, planned. Never happened.

I hate not hearing from him. I hate not knowing what's going on. He told me the other day that there is a lot of stress, in more than one way, with he and I. This has sat in my head and just made me feel... I don't know I can't find the word... not horrible, maybe restless... regret.... I want to say I'm sorry because I know that 90% of that stress came from me. My whole situation, the constant interruptions, the fact that I am a very emotional person who tends to fly off the handle at a drop of a hat, I jump to conclussions too easily. Maybe that comes from never having the stability with him. A lot of the time I never knew where I stood. He and I had so many ups and downs. We were always breaking up, getting back together.

The distance didn't help any. The fact that he would never come and see me no matter how much I asked. And now I will never get to see him at all, ever. There is too much stress for us to be together. He asked me would I rather have him long term this way or would I like to have him for a weekend and then he would be gone. Great choice.

That's all I have asked for.... actually even less. I asked to spend an afternoon together. Maybe go for coffee. I would even pay. I just wanted to know what it was like to be held, to be kissed by a man who loves me dearly. To know what it is like to touch him, to be able to look into those gorgeous blue eyes and say I love you. And now I will never get the chance. Just like his brother.

We only knew each other for 5 weeks and 4 days. He died the day before I was to go down and see him. Due to an incident I was unable to go to the funeral either. He was cremated so there's not even a grave site to visit. I had to say my good byes over the phone.

Am I going to have to do that again? Is that the only way I'm going to get to see him? When he's in the casket? I just hope someone has the decency to call me and at least let me know.

I have no idea at this point how he is feeling except what he has told me. When I asked him how long he has been in the hospital he wouldn't answer me. Just said that he had an arguement with his sister, got chest pains, and was in the hospital. He said he was feeling better and was hoping to be discharged today.

When I talked to him on the phone on Sunday afternoon he sounded really good. The photos he sent... mmmmm.... new look DEFINITELY suits him!!! Talk about good looking! Wow! :) This new look makes him look more like a Dominant than ever! I am one lucky lady to have a good guy like him. Even through all the crap, all the stress, he stayed with me. And basically we are still together. When he texted me tonight, to tell me about the hospital, he started with "hi my love". Made me smile. It was what followed that made my heart sink.

I have been praying every night. And I do believe God is listening. There has been lots of good news. But there has also been lots of bad news. He had been told a few weeks ago that his heart was getting stronger. Which was followed by news of 3 blood clots. The chest pains aren't going to do his heart any good either. It will just further weaken it.

He had tried to get away to the Jersey shore to just relax. He loves the beach as much as I do. He said he even felt better once he got there. And I am so glad. But this argument with his sister... just wasn't worth it. Undo all the good. His family should know better and so should he.

It was hard enough losing his brother. I don't want to know what this is going to be like. I try to save every voice mail message, every photograph, every text message. I even made a cd with a few voice mail messages on it... the "precious" ones.. the ones that were special.

I am dealing with this all on my own, with the exception of my therapist. And it's going to be a few weeks before I can see him again. So maybe this blog will be a good thing. Sometimes if you just get things out of your head, it's easier to think and to deal. We shall see..........