5 Years Today

5 years ago today someone I loved very much died. I remember the pain I felt. I remember the tears that seemed like they would never stop. Slowly, over time, the pain became less. I would write letters on his birthday, our anniversary, and the anniversary of the day he died. It was my way of cleansing the pain from my soul. A kind of catharsis of sorts. 

I haven't thought about him all that much since my life headed in a different direction and I fell in love with someone. But, for some reason, today he is on my mind more than ever. I lost $20 this morning when I went to get breakfast at the hospital cafeteria. I'm very cautious about things like that. In a way, however stupid this may sound, it felt like i was being poked from above.. 

I remember after he died..i was laying in bed crying one night and I could have sworn I heard his voice beside me telling me not to cry. It was so close that I had to turn over to make sure he wasn't there. Then twice after that I had been in church and felt his hand on my shoulder. The first time it was awful. I felt nothing but pain and despair. I left the church crying. The last time that happened it was a more of a letting go. Of his saying to me that it was ok, that he knew I had someone looking after me and taking care of me. 

I know we will see each other again in heaven. I know he's in a better place and that he no longer hurts. It was not easy letting go, but then again we never really let go. We hold on to a little piece of them in our hearts and in our memories. 

 R.I.P. MJH 8/30/66 - 7/2/08

The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...    

Premonitions

It was for real. He meant it. All my rules back in place and then some. And as usual, His health takes a nose dive. i stopped my check ins. And i told him. And He told me! slaves don't think... their Masters' do. slaves obey. And i have.

i haven't heard from Him since lunchtime (well, my lunchtime). He said he was feeling better. i don't think so. He's been sleeping all day. i haven't heard word one from Him. Not a peep. Not a "nods" or a "smiles". Nothing. But He wants me to keep checking in. He wants to keep things in place. i don't know why. For Him? For me?

i had a horrible premonition last night. That he would be dead within 48 hours. My premonitions are never wrong. When He told me today that He was feeling better, i was thankful that i was wrong this time. But He's not better. i think He just told me that so that i would relax. He knew that i was upset last night. He knew that i had been crying.

He won't even let me come see Him. Just a weekend. That's all i am asking. i told Him i would even be willing to just sit on the floor and watch Him sleep. Am i asking for too much? To spend 2 days with the Man i love more than life itself. To be able to put my arms around Him. To talk to Him. To look into those beautiful blue eyes of His.

i was just told to shut up and obey.... so i had better get off this. i don't have permission to be on here. i didn't ask. i just came home from work and turned it on. Bad decision on my part. THIS is why slaves don't think! lol

Where I am at now

I set up this blog as a way to vent my thoughts and feelings about something very emotional going on in my life right now. It's not going to win any prizes or have a whole lot of views. And that's ok. I just need a place to go so I can sort things out. I can no longer talk to my friends about this. And I am tired of going around muttering to myself. I think my therapist is so confused with all my issues he doesn't know which end is up. So here's my story.

I've been with my sweetheart for a year now. He lives in NJ and I live in upstate NY. In the entire year we have been together we have never seen each other face to face. He always had an excuse. But I overlooked it because I love him.

We've had our share of bad times, and that is why I can't say anything more about this to my friends. They dislike him immensely. They don't want to hear about it anymore. For some reason they can't seem to see the good things. I guess because of what is going on now I can only see the good things because that is all that I want to remember. I am fully aware of all the crap he's put me through. But that is in the past. Over and done with.

To add a little twist to this whole story, I am involved in an alternative lifestyle known as BDSM. I got involved in it because of him. I was his slave and he was my Master. Although it was very difficult at times, i learned slowly and he was patient with me (ok, maybe not all the time!). But he took things slow, let me learn a little at a time. We learned together actually. Now that I don't have that anymore I greatly miss it. I miss the rules, the structure, the constant contact with him. He told me to focus on him. He became my world. Now I don't have that world and I am lost.

To complicate matters further, he is dying. Heart failure. He has cut himself off from everyone and everything in order to preserve his health. This includes me. I know hardly anything anymore as to what is going on in his life. I know that as of this writing he is back in the hosptial. Which scares the crap out of me because a year ago today his twin brother died of the exact same thing. I have asked him to either text me or call me and let me know how he feels... and he knows why i asked that. He said he would.

Let's add insult to injury. I was engaged to his twin brother. I still love him and miss him very much. And today is going to be a difficult day for me.

My life the soap opera. Believe me, I would do anything to have a nice quiet life. A dull, boring life. But that dull, boring life would have to consist of me married to him. The 2 of us creating a new life together. A fresh start. Just like he and I talked about, planned. Never happened.

I hate not hearing from him. I hate not knowing what's going on. He told me the other day that there is a lot of stress, in more than one way, with he and I. This has sat in my head and just made me feel... I don't know I can't find the word... not horrible, maybe restless... regret.... I want to say I'm sorry because I know that 90% of that stress came from me. My whole situation, the constant interruptions, the fact that I am a very emotional person who tends to fly off the handle at a drop of a hat, I jump to conclussions too easily. Maybe that comes from never having the stability with him. A lot of the time I never knew where I stood. He and I had so many ups and downs. We were always breaking up, getting back together.

The distance didn't help any. The fact that he would never come and see me no matter how much I asked. And now I will never get to see him at all, ever. There is too much stress for us to be together. He asked me would I rather have him long term this way or would I like to have him for a weekend and then he would be gone. Great choice.

That's all I have asked for.... actually even less. I asked to spend an afternoon together. Maybe go for coffee. I would even pay. I just wanted to know what it was like to be held, to be kissed by a man who loves me dearly. To know what it is like to touch him, to be able to look into those gorgeous blue eyes and say I love you. And now I will never get the chance. Just like his brother.

We only knew each other for 5 weeks and 4 days. He died the day before I was to go down and see him. Due to an incident I was unable to go to the funeral either. He was cremated so there's not even a grave site to visit. I had to say my good byes over the phone.

Am I going to have to do that again? Is that the only way I'm going to get to see him? When he's in the casket? I just hope someone has the decency to call me and at least let me know.

I have no idea at this point how he is feeling except what he has told me. When I asked him how long he has been in the hospital he wouldn't answer me. Just said that he had an arguement with his sister, got chest pains, and was in the hospital. He said he was feeling better and was hoping to be discharged today.

When I talked to him on the phone on Sunday afternoon he sounded really good. The photos he sent... mmmmm.... new look DEFINITELY suits him!!! Talk about good looking! Wow! :) This new look makes him look more like a Dominant than ever! I am one lucky lady to have a good guy like him. Even through all the crap, all the stress, he stayed with me. And basically we are still together. When he texted me tonight, to tell me about the hospital, he started with "hi my love". Made me smile. It was what followed that made my heart sink.

I have been praying every night. And I do believe God is listening. There has been lots of good news. But there has also been lots of bad news. He had been told a few weeks ago that his heart was getting stronger. Which was followed by news of 3 blood clots. The chest pains aren't going to do his heart any good either. It will just further weaken it.

He had tried to get away to the Jersey shore to just relax. He loves the beach as much as I do. He said he even felt better once he got there. And I am so glad. But this argument with his sister... just wasn't worth it. Undo all the good. His family should know better and so should he.

It was hard enough losing his brother. I don't want to know what this is going to be like. I try to save every voice mail message, every photograph, every text message. I even made a cd with a few voice mail messages on it... the "precious" ones.. the ones that were special.

I am dealing with this all on my own, with the exception of my therapist. And it's going to be a few weeks before I can see him again. So maybe this blog will be a good thing. Sometimes if you just get things out of your head, it's easier to think and to deal. We shall see..........