The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...    

The Deconstruction of a Relationship

It is truly a sad thing to watch a relationship slowly fall apart and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. All the things you once felt are gone. The relationship slowly dwindles. Neither of you have time for each other; there's always something else. 

Once you realize what is happening, you slowly begin to shut down and shut out the feelings. You become numb and indifferent to what is going on.

How did this happen? How did it get to this point? Why? You ask yourself the same questions over and over. It takes two people to make a relationship to work, but only one to destroy it.

This is what I feel is happening with my relationship and I don't know how I can fix it or if I even want to bother anymore. I'm tired, mentally and emotionally. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't really care about anything that is going on around me. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Same thing day after day. 

He says it's not true. He says it's all in my mind. Maybe it is. But all I can do it tell how I feel and how it would look to someone who didn't know us. 

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am incapable of maintaining a "real" adult relationship. Maybe there is just too many strikes against me. Maybe I am "settling" instead of holding out for what I truly want, if I even knew what that was. 

I see the same thing happening now that happened in my first marriage. There is a saying about how if it's just one person then it could be them. But if it's more than that, then maybe it is you. In other words, if someone says they don't like you or something you are doing, chances are it is just their opinion. But if a bunch of people observe the same thing, then chances are very good that it is you.

I don't know what the future holds, nor do I care. I will just go through each day doing the best that I can. It's all I can do. And I will watch this relationship either flounder and die or hope that things will change in the future for the better. My money is on the first rather than the latter.

      

When does it get better?

Today has been one of those days. Actually, seeing how it's the end of January, it's been one of those months. The kind that leaves you wondering if things will ever get better. 

The month started out with having my trust betrayed by someone doing something behind my back. The kind of thing that is "Do as I say, not as I do". (I had mentioned it in a earlier blog.)

Then it was a $375 car repair. The ball joint on the drivers' side of the car went. Luckily I wasn't driving it and Daddy was when it went out. AND He wasn't on the highway. The mechanic said if He'd been on the highway when it went, He could've been killed.

Then it was my cat with something wrong that I have no clue as to what and no money to take him to the vets. Leaving me to hope he gets better. (He's looking a little better.)

Then it was having the cable internet installed but losing our cable tv service.

 And now today, another car repair. This one at a costly sum of $600 which we don't have. It took everything we had and then some. So now we have to make it till I get paid next week. 

 Not to mention that I was on my way to my psych appointments. So now I have to call and get those rescheduled. 

This will just add to my anxiety when I have to be in the car. It's bad enough that when the car died I was at an intersection with the hazard lights on, $19 in my purse and no way to call for help (we can't afford to have 2 phones, so Daddy just has his Boost phone). 

There was a lady who stopped to help me. She let me use her phone to call home, but Daddy was asleep and never heard the phone. But this woman kept calling and by the time the tow truck pulled up He was just coming out of the house. He'd already called the mechanic to let him know he was on his way up with the car. The lady that called said that I was very upset, so He knew what to expect.

All I do is worry. The bills just keep mounting up. I was ALMOST on time with the rent. ALMOST caught up. And now look..I couldn't pay the rent the last time I got paid. MAYBE, if my tax refund comes in on time, then I'll be able to pay the rent and buy some groceries. 

It's just a never ending struggle and I'm tired. I'm worn out. My nerves are frazzled to the point that I shake almost every time I have to leave the house. It's just getting harder and harder for me to handle each day. I don't know how much more of this I can take. 

I know that there are other people who have it even worse. I mean, at least I have a warm house to live in, food in the fridge, and a job. But there has to be more to life than just existing. There has got to be more than just living pay check to pay check and hope nothing goes wrong. I just can't seem to catch a break.

I have been putting off getting a second job because I just can't handle it right now. But I have no choice. We can't live on what Daddy gets for unemployment and my pay check. We have more bills than money. 

All I see is my life going down hill instead of getting better. Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's a friggen rock slide blocking the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed because I fear something else going wrong. 

My cat is all curled up next to me and purring. The dog is on my blanket on the floor next to the heater snoring. I wish I could be like that. Their lives are so simple.