I've been so depressed lately. I can't find interest in anything. Nothing makes me happy. All I feel is stress and unhappiness. Nothing in my life seems to be going right. And I feel alone and miserable and just so fed up. I'm looking for where I belong in this life only to find that I don't belong anywhere really.
Hubby and I have reworked a page that I started called "My Own Little Corner of the World" which is mostly about vintage and retro stuff. It's given me a chance to explore life as it used to be in "the olden days", of a time when our grandparents and parents lived.
The submissive in me longs for that kind of life. Where the man is in charge, the woman stays home and makes him happy. It just dawned on me as we drove home from my moms today that there is a name for that kind of lifestyle and that it sort of falls under the category of alternative lifestyle as well as Fetish. I remember seeing it on Fetlife. It's called a 1950's household or a Taken-in-Hand relationship.
There's nothing really different or "fetishy" about it. It just goes back to the time when the husband was the head of the household and the woman stayed home, took care of the house, and raised the kids. Something that women today aren't really encouraged to do. If they do, they are looked down upon and made to feel like there is something wrong with them.
I am glad that women have come so far in such a short time span. But why are women who decide to stay home and take care of their families looked down on? They're made to feel guilty.
My mom always told me that you should never put too much pressure on your husband or he will either start having an affair or your marriage will end in divorce. I think, in a way, men have sort of conditioned us to feel that way as well. You feel like you're not pulling your weight or contributing to the household.
I was a stay-at-home mom for more than 10 years while my children were small. It just made more sense. Day care was too expensive. I'd hate it when people would say "oh you're just a housewife"! Have they ever spent 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week as a wife and mother!?! You have to be everything from the babysitter to referee.
Unfortunately, during that time, my (now ex-) husband was not the type of man who wanted to be head of anything, except maybe his job. He didn't want the stress or responsibility of being the man of the house. So all of that fell to me. I made sure the bills got paid, things got fixed, etc. In essence I was a single mom, only I didn't have to work outside the home.
I now am happily in a relationship with a man who believes a man is a man and he's responsible for things. Only problem is, we don't talk. I feel like I'm carrying a lot of the burdens. To me, it feels like we have drifted apart. He doesn't tell me things and I don't tell him things. I've kept my feelings to myself.
I did a little research online this afternoon and I did find a page on a Taken-In-Hand relationship. But it seems like every time I try to seek out something different as far as lifestyle goes, it just all blows up in my face. Maybe the submissive in me misses that kind of lifestyle. But no matter how much we've tried, it just seemed to make our relationship even worse. But not having any kind of direction in a relationship seems to make me just apathetic. Like I am just drifting through my life.
On my days off I am so depressed I don't even want to get dressed or do any housework. I just want to sit in front of my laptop and ignore life and engulf myself in what little entertainment I can find online.
I don't even want to broach the subject with my hubby because of the disastrous effects the last 3 times we tried it. Plus with his new job, he works early mornings and stays up all night, so by the time he gets home from work, he goes to sleep until he has to pick me up from work. I doubt he would even have the time or energy to take care of me or anything else.
As it is, he used to make sure I took my meds in the mornings, he used to make sure I was fed, etc. Now it's all up to me (not that I'm not capable of doing it). We barely see each other because either he's at work or he's asleep. By the time i get home from work and we eat dinner he falls asleep after we eat. Or I'm the one who's tired (like last night. I crawled into bed a little after 8:30pm and almost immediately fell asleep).
How can you miss something you never really had in the first place? Or maybe it's more of wanting something that I can't have. I dunno. Either way, there is something missing in my life and I don't know what it is.
I need to get up to make cigarettes. I don't want to do anything. I'm ready to go to sleep out of boredom. Tomorrow is Sunday. Different day, same shit. Nothing changes. We don't go anywhere, we don't spend any time together, nothing. And I don't even care anymore. Sad.
It is truly a sad thing to watch a relationship slowly fall apart and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. All the things you once felt are gone. The relationship slowly dwindles. Neither of you have time for each other; there's always something else.
Once you realize what is happening, you slowly begin to shut down and shut out the feelings. You become numb and indifferent to what is going on.
How did this happen? How did it get to this point? Why? You ask yourself the same questions over and over. It takes two people to make a relationship to work, but only one to destroy it.
This is what I feel is happening with my relationship and I don't know how I can fix it or if I even want to bother anymore. I'm tired, mentally and emotionally. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't really care about anything that is going on around me. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Same thing day after day.
He says it's not true. He says it's all in my mind. Maybe it is. But all I can do it tell how I feel and how it would look to someone who didn't know us.
Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am incapable of maintaining a "real" adult relationship. Maybe there is just too many strikes against me. Maybe I am "settling" instead of holding out for what I truly want, if I even knew what that was.
I see the same thing happening now that happened in my first marriage. There is a saying about how if it's just one person then it could be them. But if it's more than that, then maybe it is you. In other words, if someone says they don't like you or something you are doing, chances are it is just their opinion. But if a bunch of people observe the same thing, then chances are very good that it is you.
I don't know what the future holds, nor do I care. I will just go through each day doing the best that I can. It's all I can do. And I will watch this relationship either flounder and die or hope that things will change in the future for the better. My money is on the first rather than the latter.
It seems as if my depression has grabbed a hold of me and won't let go. It's supposed to be almost 50 degrees today and the sun is shining. I should be outside taking a walk. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing a lot of things,but instead I am in the recliner where I have been for the last 5 hours. This is exactly how I spent my day yesterday.
I've been working on my Facebook page, which is coming along nicely. I have over 200 likes and everyone has something nice to say. But today I just can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to post anything cheerful. Sigh....
I'm not the kind of person who is an "emotional eater". Usually when I am depressed I have no appetite whatsoever. But now all I crave is chocolate, sweets, and coffee. If I had money and the energy I'd probably walk over to Dunkin Donuts and get something there. So I guess it's lucky I don't have any money. I'm fat enough as it is.
There's been a huge...walls.. I dunno....but hubby and I... he called me yesterday when he was on a break and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to say to him. We don't talk at all. A few comments here and there on stuff like the news or a show.. When I go to bed, he goes in the living room till I get up (sometimes he'll come in around 5am and lay down for a bit). But for the most part we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.
I just see everything headed towards nothingness. He's got a job, but it's only part time and it's shit pay. We can't live off of my paycheck because I don't make enough either. Work for me sucks. I hate going to work. The girls that I work with...I've tried being friendly...maybe it's just me..but it just seems like they don't care for me very much. I have no friends to talk to or hang out with. Everyone is busy with their own lives and their own families. We have no money to go anywhere anyway. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get better.
I don't know if I need to go up on my anti-depressants or I'm just fed up with life in general. If that's the case, there isn't a pill in the world that can help that.
When hubby came home yesterday he said I looked pretty awful. Like I was overtired. Not overtired...overly fed up with life in general.
I'm tempted to close the bedroom door so I don't have to see the sunlight outside. I could care less. I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could find a better life.
Today has been one of those days. Actually, seeing how it's the end of January, it's been one of those months. The kind that leaves you wondering if things will ever get better.
The month started out with having my trust betrayed by someone doing something behind my back. The kind of thing that is "Do as I say, not as I do". (I had mentioned it in a earlier blog.)
Then it was a $375 car repair. The ball joint on the drivers' side of the car went. Luckily I wasn't driving it and Daddy was when it went out. AND He wasn't on the highway. The mechanic said if He'd been on the highway when it went, He could've been killed.
Then it was my cat with something wrong that I have no clue as to what and no money to take him to the vets. Leaving me to hope he gets better. (He's looking a little better.)
Then it was having the cable internet installed but losing our cable tv service.
And now today, another car repair. This one at a costly sum of $600 which we don't have. It took everything we had and then some. So now we have to make it till I get paid next week.
Not to mention that I was on my way to my psych appointments. So now I have to call and get those rescheduled.
This will just add to my anxiety when I have to be in the car. It's bad enough that when the car died I was at an intersection with the hazard lights on, $19 in my purse and no way to call for help (we can't afford to have 2 phones, so Daddy just has his Boost phone).
There was a lady who stopped to help me. She let me use her phone to call home, but Daddy was asleep and never heard the phone. But this woman kept calling and by the time the tow truck pulled up He was just coming out of the house. He'd already called the mechanic to let him know he was on his way up with the car. The lady that called said that I was very upset, so He knew what to expect.
All I do is worry. The bills just keep mounting up. I was ALMOST on time with the rent. ALMOST caught up. And now look..I couldn't pay the rent the last time I got paid. MAYBE, if my tax refund comes in on time, then I'll be able to pay the rent and buy some groceries.
It's just a never ending struggle and I'm tired. I'm worn out. My nerves are frazzled to the point that I shake almost every time I have to leave the house. It's just getting harder and harder for me to handle each day. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I know that there are other people who have it even worse. I mean, at least I have a warm house to live in, food in the fridge, and a job. But there has to be more to life than just existing. There has got to be more than just living pay check to pay check and hope nothing goes wrong. I just can't seem to catch a break.
I have been putting off getting a second job because I just can't handle it right now. But I have no choice. We can't live on what Daddy gets for unemployment and my pay check. We have more bills than money.
All I see is my life going down hill instead of getting better. Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's a friggen rock slide blocking the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed because I fear something else going wrong.
My cat is all curled up next to me and purring. The dog is on my blanket on the floor next to the heater snoring. I wish I could be like that. Their lives are so simple.
I've gotten to thinking lately about the show "Columbo". I haven't seen it in a long time but every once in a while they run some episodes on cable TV.
I always liked Columbo because of his unassuming mannerisms. He looked like some bumbling detective that wasn't really paying attention. But in all actuality he was noticing all the small details that no one else did. I always liked the way he'd approach the guilty party or someone associated with the crime and would say "Excuse me, Ma'am/Sir..I just have one more question for you." And, of course, the person would get all flustered and wonder why all the questions.
I guess I like him because he's a lot like me. I will dig and dig till I get the answers to the questions I have. It's as the saying goes, nothing is as it may seem. In a way, archaeologists and other scientists are like that too. They find a little piece of evidence and are able to build an entire case around that piece. And maybe that's why i like to read mystery novels and forensic mysteries. I'm like that annoying 4 year old that's always asking "But why...?"
When I am bothered by something I will keep searching until I either reach a dead end or I find the answers that I seek. Unfortunately, life isn't always that easy. Some times things just are. There is no answer. And those are the things that bug me the most. When I want to know why but I can't find the answer.
I am bipolar. And because of that, my mind will race when it is quietest. That's when those little "but why..." questions will haunt me. But also sometimes you can over think a situation until you've made it worse than it really was. And I think I do that sometimes just because I don't have all the answers to my questions. I torture myself into sleeplessness because I will dwell on a problem so much that in my mind I've turned it into the worst case scenario. It's part and parcel of the anxiety that comes with depression. It's called "Catastrophic Thinking".
So what to do when you don't have all the answers? When you just have to let something be because you can't find the answer? It almost becomes a paranoia because you feel like people are lying to you, or keeping things from you for one reason or another.
Like Columbo, I have that little voice inside that says something is just not right. That there's more to the story than is being told. Where I want to say "Excuse me... just one more question". I go over the "crime scene" in my mind with a fine tooth comb. I will analyze things that were said. And then something will pop in the back of my brain which makes me realize I DON'T have the whole story. And like Columbo, I will go back and take a second or even third look at the circumstances. "I don't mean to be a pest..but.." as Columbo would say when taking another look at the crime scene.
If only life were like a crime drama. Where it turns out that the person who we thought all along was the innocent person was actually the perpetrator of the crime. But in "real life" we're not always that lucky. Sometimes it is the guilty one who gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist, IF they get caught at all. People know how to be clever and how to lie their way out of a situation. It's human nature. It's not right, but that's how life is some times. No one ever said life was fair or it was going to be easy.
As I was headed into work this morning, someone had taped a flyer or sorts on the parking garage door to the elevator. It said "Free Positive Thoughts..Take One". So I did. I have it taped to my computer monitor at work. One line says "Let go, Let Be." Not always easy for someone who needs answers to questions. But at least those words will be in front of me every day and maybe someday they will sink in.
I've always had a hard time figuring out where i fit in. There never seems to be a place where i'm truly comfortable, except maybe in my bed. I know my mental illness has something to do with it, as well as my past.
For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle.
Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this.
But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting.
i call hubby "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says.
You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.
The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.
It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.
I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken".
And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life.
One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.
My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance. There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.
And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!). My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out.
My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be.
I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this
blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My
Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel.
The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my
fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i
don't change things.
http://youtu.be/xCY2Ok7caeY
My heart, my love is gone from me for good. We argued and he said that i was not to contact him ever again. I have tried repeatedly to text him, to try to fix this. He won't even acknowledge my texts. He's probably deleting them without ever reading them.
I have a feeling he went back to being a slave and has a Domme. It's been about a month or more that he stopped texting me except when he had to. He doesn't take any of my phone calls. He told me to call him last week but sent me directly to voice mail. Didn't even acknowledge that i called. I sent him a snotty text message saying how happy i was that i got to talk to his voice mail ONCE AGAIN. He didn't even apologize or try and call me back. That's why i think he has a Domme. He's done this before. Same behavior.
So why am i crying over this? He doesn't want me and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I was angry with him for not talking to me, for ignoring me. So now i'm crying, hurting, and trying to get him back. I guess when you love someone so much it doesn't matter.
I just wish i could have Bob back. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could fix this. To work together on making things better. I miss him so much. I never want to hurt this much ever again.
To add to all this, my best friend Rob told me that he has feelings for me... more than friendship, but he's confused. We spent a few hours last night talking about all this. He let me ask questions and let me ramble on more than i should have. We are both are afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid to get involved again. And right now i am hurting so it feels good to get that kind of attention from a man... he calls me baby and babe. I can text him and tell him i want him to hold me while i cry. He texted me last night told me to take a deep breath, smile and kiss him.
He lives in Colorado and may be moving back to California soon. The phone he uses for texting (he has 2) gets turned off periodically because he doesn't have the money to keep it on (he's got a Boost phone). I wish i had my own money then i could at least send him some to help him keep it on.
Without the option of texting it could be days or as much as week between when we can talk (like it will be this coming week). For me it's so hard to not talk to someone i care about for so long. That's what drove me nuts with Bob.
What's even worse is that there is a 2 hour time difference, so by the time he gets home from work at night, showers, and eats, it's like 9:30 my time. The last few days it's been after midnight before i got to sleep.
When i talk to Rob later today i'm gonna kinda blow off what i told him last night about how i feel. I think i said too much because all of a sudden he sends me a text saying he's tired, nite. Just out of no where. So i'm just gonna play it down... tell him that the reasons why i feel the way i do is because right now i am hurting and it feels good to have someone care & give me a little tlc. That i miss him during the day because i have no one to talk to so i watch the clock waiting for him to get home so we can talk. End of story. Hopefully that will fix things.
My husband doesn't like me seeing my therapist. I'm starting to be able to stand up for myself. He can't control me any more. I won't let him. I am trying to grow as a person. I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's scary. But i know i can do it. If i want my life to change i have to be the one to do it.
All we've been doing is fighting lately.He's put the screws on me.. i can't go anywhere myself (he even follows me to the bathroom!). i have to go with him or not at all. When i do go with him i can't wander away. I have to be within his site.. not more than 5 or 10 feet away. I hate that because i like to do things on my own. I need so space to unwind. To relax. Or to just think things through. I used to be able to take my dog to the park or on the bike trail. Now i can't go unless he comes with me. If i am so much as 5 minute late getting home at night he starts calling and won't give up. I got home late one night and he had called like 5 times. if i don't get out of here soon....
Ever since i got out of 4 Winds i stopped feeling i wanted to die. No matter how bad things got taking my life wasn't an option. I just wanted to work on changing things. Now... i've reached my breaking point. There are days lately when i just wish i were dead. I can't do this anymore.
I had a job interview for a photographer position! I almost fell off my chair when they called! This is amazing! My asshole husband won't let me take the job full time because it doesn't pay the same as my current job. When i went to the interview that was one thing the manager was impressed with... that i was available any time. I hated having to tell him that i was only available part time. I probably won't get the job because of that. Even though the manager was impressed with my portfolio and my credits.
And of course when i told my asshole husband that i had been called for an interview his only response was what time was i going to be home because we had to have dinner. Not one ounce of support. Nothing. Nada. I was all giggly and happy. He had to go and break that. No... that's wrong... i LET him do it. I shouldn't have. But i was happy... and no one gave a shit.As usual.
