5 Years Today

5 years ago today someone I loved very much died. I remember the pain I felt. I remember the tears that seemed like they would never stop. Slowly, over time, the pain became less. I would write letters on his birthday, our anniversary, and the anniversary of the day he died. It was my way of cleansing the pain from my soul. A kind of catharsis of sorts. 

I haven't thought about him all that much since my life headed in a different direction and I fell in love with someone. But, for some reason, today he is on my mind more than ever. I lost $20 this morning when I went to get breakfast at the hospital cafeteria. I'm very cautious about things like that. In a way, however stupid this may sound, it felt like i was being poked from above.. 

I remember after he died..i was laying in bed crying one night and I could have sworn I heard his voice beside me telling me not to cry. It was so close that I had to turn over to make sure he wasn't there. Then twice after that I had been in church and felt his hand on my shoulder. The first time it was awful. I felt nothing but pain and despair. I left the church crying. The last time that happened it was a more of a letting go. Of his saying to me that it was ok, that he knew I had someone looking after me and taking care of me. 

I know we will see each other again in heaven. I know he's in a better place and that he no longer hurts. It was not easy letting go, but then again we never really let go. We hold on to a little piece of them in our hearts and in our memories. 

 R.I.P. MJH 8/30/66 - 7/2/08

The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...    

Memories of a Shattered Soul

Alone I sit, a song plays, triggering a flood of memories. 

Memories of what once was. 

Summer winds blowing through an open window. 

A light on. 

Sitting alone waiting for someone to talk to. 

A night sky full of stars. 

A quiet room. 

How could I have fallen for a game? Or was it?  

The lines are blurred between what I thought was real and what reality was. 

How could I have fallen?

Crickets chirp. A dog barks in the distance.

Hello, are you there?

Are you listening?

Or am I all alone in this room?

Mistake after mistake I've made.

Will I ever get it right?

Maybe I'm not supposed to.

The distant rumble of thunder.

A flash in the sky.

The scent of rain in the air.

Has it all been in vain?

Why is it this way?

What have I done to deserve this?

What was so horribly wrong that I have done in this life?

I know memories will haunt me forever.

And with it pieces of a shattered heart remain.

Pieces of a shattered soul.

To never be the same again.

Memories that I will forever cherish.

Memories that I will hold onto forever.

And once in a while they will come flooding back to me.

And the feelings of them will engulf my mind and my soul.

Reminding me of a time that was and will never be again.    

           

The Deconstruction of a Relationship

It is truly a sad thing to watch a relationship slowly fall apart and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. All the things you once felt are gone. The relationship slowly dwindles. Neither of you have time for each other; there's always something else. 

Once you realize what is happening, you slowly begin to shut down and shut out the feelings. You become numb and indifferent to what is going on.

How did this happen? How did it get to this point? Why? You ask yourself the same questions over and over. It takes two people to make a relationship to work, but only one to destroy it.

This is what I feel is happening with my relationship and I don't know how I can fix it or if I even want to bother anymore. I'm tired, mentally and emotionally. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't really care about anything that is going on around me. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Same thing day after day. 

He says it's not true. He says it's all in my mind. Maybe it is. But all I can do it tell how I feel and how it would look to someone who didn't know us. 

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am incapable of maintaining a "real" adult relationship. Maybe there is just too many strikes against me. Maybe I am "settling" instead of holding out for what I truly want, if I even knew what that was. 

I see the same thing happening now that happened in my first marriage. There is a saying about how if it's just one person then it could be them. But if it's more than that, then maybe it is you. In other words, if someone says they don't like you or something you are doing, chances are it is just their opinion. But if a bunch of people observe the same thing, then chances are very good that it is you.

I don't know what the future holds, nor do I care. I will just go through each day doing the best that I can. It's all I can do. And I will watch this relationship either flounder and die or hope that things will change in the future for the better. My money is on the first rather than the latter.

      

depression

It seems as if my depression has grabbed a hold of me and won't let go. It's supposed to be almost 50 degrees today and the sun is shining. I should be outside taking a walk. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing a lot of things,but instead I am in the recliner where I have been for the last 5 hours. This is exactly how I spent my day yesterday. 

I've been working on my Facebook page, which is coming along nicely. I have over 200 likes and everyone has something nice to say. But today I just can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to post anything cheerful. Sigh....

I'm not the kind of person who is an "emotional eater". Usually when I am depressed I have no appetite whatsoever. But now all I crave is chocolate, sweets, and coffee. If I had money and the energy I'd probably walk over to Dunkin Donuts and get something there. So I guess it's lucky I don't have any money. I'm fat enough as it is.

There's been a huge...walls.. I dunno....but hubby and I... he called me yesterday when he was on a break and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to say to him. We don't talk at all. A few comments here and there on stuff like the news or a show.. When I go to bed, he goes in the living room till I get up (sometimes he'll come in around 5am and lay down for a bit). But for the most part we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. 

I just see everything headed towards nothingness. He's got a job, but it's only part time and it's shit pay. We can't live off of my paycheck because I don't make enough either. Work for me sucks. I hate going to work. The girls that I work with...I've tried being friendly...maybe it's just me..but it just seems like they don't care for me very much. I have no friends to talk to or hang out with. Everyone is busy with their own lives and their own families. We have no money to go anywhere anyway. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get better. 

I don't know if I need to go up on my anti-depressants or I'm just fed up with life in general. If that's the case, there isn't a pill in the world that can help that. 

When hubby came home yesterday he said I looked pretty awful. Like I was overtired. Not overtired...overly fed up with life in general. 

I'm tempted to close the bedroom door so I don't have to see the sunlight outside. I could care less. I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could find a better life.      

When does it get better?

Today has been one of those days. Actually, seeing how it's the end of January, it's been one of those months. The kind that leaves you wondering if things will ever get better. 

The month started out with having my trust betrayed by someone doing something behind my back. The kind of thing that is "Do as I say, not as I do". (I had mentioned it in a earlier blog.)

Then it was a $375 car repair. The ball joint on the drivers' side of the car went. Luckily I wasn't driving it and Daddy was when it went out. AND He wasn't on the highway. The mechanic said if He'd been on the highway when it went, He could've been killed.

Then it was my cat with something wrong that I have no clue as to what and no money to take him to the vets. Leaving me to hope he gets better. (He's looking a little better.)

Then it was having the cable internet installed but losing our cable tv service.

 And now today, another car repair. This one at a costly sum of $600 which we don't have. It took everything we had and then some. So now we have to make it till I get paid next week. 

 Not to mention that I was on my way to my psych appointments. So now I have to call and get those rescheduled. 

This will just add to my anxiety when I have to be in the car. It's bad enough that when the car died I was at an intersection with the hazard lights on, $19 in my purse and no way to call for help (we can't afford to have 2 phones, so Daddy just has his Boost phone). 

There was a lady who stopped to help me. She let me use her phone to call home, but Daddy was asleep and never heard the phone. But this woman kept calling and by the time the tow truck pulled up He was just coming out of the house. He'd already called the mechanic to let him know he was on his way up with the car. The lady that called said that I was very upset, so He knew what to expect.

All I do is worry. The bills just keep mounting up. I was ALMOST on time with the rent. ALMOST caught up. And now look..I couldn't pay the rent the last time I got paid. MAYBE, if my tax refund comes in on time, then I'll be able to pay the rent and buy some groceries. 

It's just a never ending struggle and I'm tired. I'm worn out. My nerves are frazzled to the point that I shake almost every time I have to leave the house. It's just getting harder and harder for me to handle each day. I don't know how much more of this I can take. 

I know that there are other people who have it even worse. I mean, at least I have a warm house to live in, food in the fridge, and a job. But there has to be more to life than just existing. There has got to be more than just living pay check to pay check and hope nothing goes wrong. I just can't seem to catch a break.

I have been putting off getting a second job because I just can't handle it right now. But I have no choice. We can't live on what Daddy gets for unemployment and my pay check. We have more bills than money. 

All I see is my life going down hill instead of getting better. Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's a friggen rock slide blocking the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed because I fear something else going wrong. 

My cat is all curled up next to me and purring. The dog is on my blanket on the floor next to the heater snoring. I wish I could be like that. Their lives are so simple. 

    

Confusion and Hurt

My heart, my love is gone from me for good. We argued and he said that i was not to contact him ever again. I have tried repeatedly to text him, to try to fix this. He won't even acknowledge my texts. He's probably deleting them without ever reading them.

I have a feeling he went back to being a slave and has a Domme. It's been about a month or more that he stopped texting me except when he had to. He doesn't take any of my phone calls. He told me to call him last week but sent me directly to voice mail. Didn't even acknowledge that i called. I sent him a snotty text message saying how happy i was that i got to talk to his voice mail ONCE AGAIN. He didn't even apologize or try and call me back. That's why i think he has a Domme. He's done this before. Same behavior.

So why am i crying over this? He doesn't want me and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I was angry with him for not talking to me, for ignoring me. So now i'm crying, hurting, and trying to get him back. I guess when you love someone so much it doesn't matter.
I just wish i could have Bob back. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could fix this. To work together on making things better. I miss him so much. I never want to hurt this much ever again.
To add to all this, my best friend Rob told me that he has feelings for me... more than friendship, but he's confused. We spent a few hours last night talking about all this. He let me ask questions and let me ramble on more than i should have. We are both are afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid to get involved again. And right now i am hurting so it feels good to get that kind of attention from a man... he calls me baby and babe. I can text him and tell him i want him to hold me while i cry. He texted me last night told me to take a deep breath, smile and kiss him.

He lives in Colorado and may be moving back to California soon. The phone he uses for texting (he has 2) gets turned off periodically because he doesn't have the money to keep it on (he's got a Boost phone). I wish i had my own money then i could at least send him some to help him keep it on.

Without the option of texting it could be days or as much as week between when we can talk (like it will be this coming week). For me it's so hard to not talk to someone i care about for so long. That's what drove me nuts with Bob.

What's even worse is that there is a 2 hour time difference, so by the time he gets home from work at night, showers, and eats, it's like 9:30 my time. The last few days it's been after midnight before i got to sleep.

When i talk to Rob later today i'm gonna kinda blow off what i told him last night about how i feel. I think i said too much because all of a sudden he sends me a text saying he's tired, nite. Just out of no where. So i'm just gonna play it down... tell him that the reasons why i feel the way i do is because right now i am hurting and it feels good to have someone care & give me a little tlc. That i miss him during the day because i have no one to talk to so i watch the clock waiting for him to get home so we can talk. End of story. Hopefully that will fix things.

My husband doesn't like me seeing my therapist. I'm starting to be able to stand up for myself. He can't control me any more. I won't let him. I am trying to grow as a person. I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's scary. But i know i can do it. If i want my life to change i have to be the one to do it.

All we've been doing is fighting lately.He's put the screws on me.. i can't go anywhere myself (he even follows me to the bathroom!). i have to go with him or not at all. When i do go with him i can't wander away. I have to be within his site.. not more than 5 or 10 feet away. I hate that because i like to do things on my own. I need so space to unwind. To relax. Or to just think things through. I used to be able to take my dog to the park or on the bike trail. Now i can't go unless he comes with me. If i am so much as 5 minute late getting home at night he starts calling and won't give up. I got home late one night and he had called like 5 times. if i don't get out of here soon....

Ever since i got out of 4 Winds i stopped feeling i wanted to die. No matter how bad things got taking my life wasn't an option. I just wanted to work on changing things. Now... i've reached my breaking point. There are days lately when i just wish i were dead. I can't do this anymore.

I had a job interview for a photographer position! I almost fell off my chair when they called! This is amazing! My asshole husband won't let me take the job full time because it doesn't pay the same as my current job. When i went to the interview that was one thing the manager was impressed with... that i was available any time. I hated having to tell him that i was only available part time. I probably won't get the job because of that. Even though the manager was impressed with my portfolio and my credits.

And of course when i told my asshole husband that i had been called for an interview his only response was what time was i going to be home because we had to have dinner. Not one ounce of support. Nothing. Nada. I was all giggly and happy. He had to go and break that. No... that's wrong... i LET him do it. I shouldn't have. But i was happy... and no one gave a shit.As usual.