depression

It seems as if my depression has grabbed a hold of me and won't let go. It's supposed to be almost 50 degrees today and the sun is shining. I should be outside taking a walk. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing a lot of things,but instead I am in the recliner where I have been for the last 5 hours. This is exactly how I spent my day yesterday. 

I've been working on my Facebook page, which is coming along nicely. I have over 200 likes and everyone has something nice to say. But today I just can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to post anything cheerful. Sigh....

I'm not the kind of person who is an "emotional eater". Usually when I am depressed I have no appetite whatsoever. But now all I crave is chocolate, sweets, and coffee. If I had money and the energy I'd probably walk over to Dunkin Donuts and get something there. So I guess it's lucky I don't have any money. I'm fat enough as it is.

There's been a huge...walls.. I dunno....but hubby and I... he called me yesterday when he was on a break and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to say to him. We don't talk at all. A few comments here and there on stuff like the news or a show.. When I go to bed, he goes in the living room till I get up (sometimes he'll come in around 5am and lay down for a bit). But for the most part we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. 

I just see everything headed towards nothingness. He's got a job, but it's only part time and it's shit pay. We can't live off of my paycheck because I don't make enough either. Work for me sucks. I hate going to work. The girls that I work with...I've tried being friendly...maybe it's just me..but it just seems like they don't care for me very much. I have no friends to talk to or hang out with. Everyone is busy with their own lives and their own families. We have no money to go anywhere anyway. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get better. 

I don't know if I need to go up on my anti-depressants or I'm just fed up with life in general. If that's the case, there isn't a pill in the world that can help that. 

When hubby came home yesterday he said I looked pretty awful. Like I was overtired. Not overtired...overly fed up with life in general. 

I'm tempted to close the bedroom door so I don't have to see the sunlight outside. I could care less. I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could find a better life.      

When does it get better?

Today has been one of those days. Actually, seeing how it's the end of January, it's been one of those months. The kind that leaves you wondering if things will ever get better. 

The month started out with having my trust betrayed by someone doing something behind my back. The kind of thing that is "Do as I say, not as I do". (I had mentioned it in a earlier blog.)

Then it was a $375 car repair. The ball joint on the drivers' side of the car went. Luckily I wasn't driving it and Daddy was when it went out. AND He wasn't on the highway. The mechanic said if He'd been on the highway when it went, He could've been killed.

Then it was my cat with something wrong that I have no clue as to what and no money to take him to the vets. Leaving me to hope he gets better. (He's looking a little better.)

Then it was having the cable internet installed but losing our cable tv service.

 And now today, another car repair. This one at a costly sum of $600 which we don't have. It took everything we had and then some. So now we have to make it till I get paid next week. 

 Not to mention that I was on my way to my psych appointments. So now I have to call and get those rescheduled. 

This will just add to my anxiety when I have to be in the car. It's bad enough that when the car died I was at an intersection with the hazard lights on, $19 in my purse and no way to call for help (we can't afford to have 2 phones, so Daddy just has his Boost phone). 

There was a lady who stopped to help me. She let me use her phone to call home, but Daddy was asleep and never heard the phone. But this woman kept calling and by the time the tow truck pulled up He was just coming out of the house. He'd already called the mechanic to let him know he was on his way up with the car. The lady that called said that I was very upset, so He knew what to expect.

All I do is worry. The bills just keep mounting up. I was ALMOST on time with the rent. ALMOST caught up. And now look..I couldn't pay the rent the last time I got paid. MAYBE, if my tax refund comes in on time, then I'll be able to pay the rent and buy some groceries. 

It's just a never ending struggle and I'm tired. I'm worn out. My nerves are frazzled to the point that I shake almost every time I have to leave the house. It's just getting harder and harder for me to handle each day. I don't know how much more of this I can take. 

I know that there are other people who have it even worse. I mean, at least I have a warm house to live in, food in the fridge, and a job. But there has to be more to life than just existing. There has got to be more than just living pay check to pay check and hope nothing goes wrong. I just can't seem to catch a break.

I have been putting off getting a second job because I just can't handle it right now. But I have no choice. We can't live on what Daddy gets for unemployment and my pay check. We have more bills than money. 

All I see is my life going down hill instead of getting better. Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's a friggen rock slide blocking the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed because I fear something else going wrong. 

My cat is all curled up next to me and purring. The dog is on my blanket on the floor next to the heater snoring. I wish I could be like that. Their lives are so simple.