The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...    

I've been so depressed lately. I can't find interest in anything. Nothing makes me happy. All I feel is stress and unhappiness. Nothing in my life seems to be going right. And I feel alone and miserable and just so fed up. I'm looking for where I belong in this life only to find that I don't belong anywhere really. 

Hubby and I have reworked a page that I started called "My Own Little Corner of the World" which is mostly about vintage and retro stuff. It's given me a chance to explore life as it used to be in "the olden days", of a time when our grandparents and parents lived. 

The submissive in me longs for that kind of life. Where the man is in charge, the woman stays home and makes him happy. It just dawned on me as we drove home from my moms today that there is a name for that kind of lifestyle and that it sort of falls under the category of alternative lifestyle as well as Fetish. I remember seeing it on Fetlife. It's called a 1950's household or a Taken-in-Hand relationship. 

There's nothing really different or "fetishy" about it. It just goes back to the time when the husband was the head of the household and the woman stayed home, took care of the house, and raised the kids. Something that women today aren't really encouraged to do. If they do, they are looked down upon and made to feel like there is something wrong with them. 

I am glad that women have come so far in such a short time span. But why are women who decide to stay home and take care of their families looked down on? They're made to feel guilty. 

My mom always told me that you should never put too much pressure on your husband or he will either start having an affair or your marriage will end in divorce. I think, in a way, men have sort of conditioned us to feel that way as well. You feel like you're not pulling your weight or contributing to the household. 

I was a stay-at-home mom for more than 10 years while my children were small. It just made more sense. Day care was too expensive. I'd hate it when people would say "oh you're just a housewife"! Have they ever spent 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week as a wife and mother!?! You have to be everything from the babysitter to referee.

Unfortunately, during that time, my (now ex-) husband was not the type of man who wanted to be head of anything, except maybe his job. He didn't want the stress or responsibility of being the man of the house. So all of that fell to me. I made sure the bills got paid, things got fixed, etc. In essence I was a single mom, only I didn't have to work outside the home. 

I now am happily in a relationship with a man who believes a man is a man and he's responsible for things. Only problem is, we don't talk. I feel like I'm carrying a lot of the burdens. To me, it feels like we have drifted apart. He doesn't tell me things and I don't tell him things. I've kept my feelings to myself.

I did a little research online this afternoon and I did find a page on a Taken-In-Hand relationship. But it seems like every time I try to seek out something different as far as lifestyle goes, it just all blows up in my face. Maybe the submissive in me misses that kind of lifestyle. But no matter how much we've tried, it just seemed to make our relationship even worse. But not having any kind of direction in a relationship seems to make me just apathetic. Like I am just drifting through my life. 

On my days off I am so depressed I don't even want to get dressed or do any housework. I just want to sit in front of my laptop and ignore life and engulf myself in what little entertainment I can find online. 

I don't even want to broach the subject with my hubby because of the disastrous effects the last 3 times we tried it. Plus with his new job, he works early mornings and stays up all night, so by the time he gets home from work, he goes to sleep until he has to pick me up from work. I doubt he would even have the time or energy to take care of me or anything else. 

As it is, he used to make sure I took my meds in the mornings, he used to make sure I was fed, etc. Now it's all up to me (not that I'm not capable of doing it). We barely see each other because either he's at work or he's asleep. By the time i get home from work and we eat dinner he falls asleep after we eat. Or I'm the one who's tired (like last night. I crawled into bed a little after 8:30pm and almost immediately fell asleep).

How can you miss something you never really had in the first place? Or maybe it's more of wanting something that I can't have. I dunno. Either way, there is something missing in my life and I don't know what it is.

I need to get up to make cigarettes. I don't want to do anything. I'm ready to go to sleep out of boredom. Tomorrow is Sunday. Different day, same shit. Nothing changes. We don't go anywhere, we don't spend any time together, nothing. And I don't even care anymore. Sad.  

The Deconstruction of a Relationship

It is truly a sad thing to watch a relationship slowly fall apart and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. All the things you once felt are gone. The relationship slowly dwindles. Neither of you have time for each other; there's always something else. 

Once you realize what is happening, you slowly begin to shut down and shut out the feelings. You become numb and indifferent to what is going on.

How did this happen? How did it get to this point? Why? You ask yourself the same questions over and over. It takes two people to make a relationship to work, but only one to destroy it.

This is what I feel is happening with my relationship and I don't know how I can fix it or if I even want to bother anymore. I'm tired, mentally and emotionally. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't really care about anything that is going on around me. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Same thing day after day. 

He says it's not true. He says it's all in my mind. Maybe it is. But all I can do it tell how I feel and how it would look to someone who didn't know us. 

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am incapable of maintaining a "real" adult relationship. Maybe there is just too many strikes against me. Maybe I am "settling" instead of holding out for what I truly want, if I even knew what that was. 

I see the same thing happening now that happened in my first marriage. There is a saying about how if it's just one person then it could be them. But if it's more than that, then maybe it is you. In other words, if someone says they don't like you or something you are doing, chances are it is just their opinion. But if a bunch of people observe the same thing, then chances are very good that it is you.

I don't know what the future holds, nor do I care. I will just go through each day doing the best that I can. It's all I can do. And I will watch this relationship either flounder and die or hope that things will change in the future for the better. My money is on the first rather than the latter.

      

depression

It seems as if my depression has grabbed a hold of me and won't let go. It's supposed to be almost 50 degrees today and the sun is shining. I should be outside taking a walk. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing a lot of things,but instead I am in the recliner where I have been for the last 5 hours. This is exactly how I spent my day yesterday. 

I've been working on my Facebook page, which is coming along nicely. I have over 200 likes and everyone has something nice to say. But today I just can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to post anything cheerful. Sigh....

I'm not the kind of person who is an "emotional eater". Usually when I am depressed I have no appetite whatsoever. But now all I crave is chocolate, sweets, and coffee. If I had money and the energy I'd probably walk over to Dunkin Donuts and get something there. So I guess it's lucky I don't have any money. I'm fat enough as it is.

There's been a huge...walls.. I dunno....but hubby and I... he called me yesterday when he was on a break and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to say to him. We don't talk at all. A few comments here and there on stuff like the news or a show.. When I go to bed, he goes in the living room till I get up (sometimes he'll come in around 5am and lay down for a bit). But for the most part we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. 

I just see everything headed towards nothingness. He's got a job, but it's only part time and it's shit pay. We can't live off of my paycheck because I don't make enough either. Work for me sucks. I hate going to work. The girls that I work with...I've tried being friendly...maybe it's just me..but it just seems like they don't care for me very much. I have no friends to talk to or hang out with. Everyone is busy with their own lives and their own families. We have no money to go anywhere anyway. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get better. 

I don't know if I need to go up on my anti-depressants or I'm just fed up with life in general. If that's the case, there isn't a pill in the world that can help that. 

When hubby came home yesterday he said I looked pretty awful. Like I was overtired. Not overtired...overly fed up with life in general. 

I'm tempted to close the bedroom door so I don't have to see the sunlight outside. I could care less. I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could find a better life.      

Excuse Me....just one more thing...

I've gotten to thinking lately about the show "Columbo". I haven't seen it in a long time but every once in a while they run some episodes on cable TV. 
I always liked Columbo because of his unassuming mannerisms. He looked like some bumbling detective that wasn't really paying attention. But in all actuality he was noticing all the small details that no one else did. I always liked the way he'd approach the guilty party or someone associated with the crime and would say "Excuse me, Ma'am/Sir..I just have one more question for you." And, of course, the person would get all flustered and wonder why all the questions.

I guess I like him because he's a lot like me. I will dig and dig till I get the answers to the questions I have. It's as the saying goes, nothing is as it may seem. In a way, archaeologists and other scientists are like that too. They find a little piece of evidence and are able to build an entire case around that piece. And maybe that's why i like to read mystery novels and forensic mysteries. I'm like that annoying 4 year old that's always asking "But why...?"

When I am bothered by something I will keep searching until I either reach a dead end or I find the answers that I seek. Unfortunately, life isn't always that easy. Some times things just are. There is no answer. And those are the things that bug me the most. When I want to know why but I can't find the answer.

I am bipolar. And because of that, my mind will race when it is quietest. That's when those little "but why..." questions will haunt me. But also sometimes you can over think a situation until you've made it worse than it really was. And I think I do that sometimes just because I don't have all the answers to my questions. I torture myself into sleeplessness because I will dwell on a problem so much that in my mind I've turned it into the worst case scenario. It's part and parcel of the anxiety that comes with depression. It's called "Catastrophic Thinking".

So what to do when you don't have all the answers? When you just have to let something be because you can't find the answer?  It almost becomes a paranoia because you feel like people are lying to you, or keeping things from you for one reason or another. 

Like Columbo, I have that little voice inside that says something is just not right. That there's more to the story than is being told. Where I want to say "Excuse me... just one more question". I go over the "crime scene" in my mind with a fine tooth comb. I will analyze things that were said. And then something will pop in the back of my brain which makes me realize I DON'T have the whole story. And like Columbo, I will go back and take a second or even third look at the circumstances. "I don't mean to be a pest..but.." as Columbo would say when taking another look at the crime scene.

If only life were like a crime drama. Where it turns out that the person who we thought all along was the innocent person was actually the perpetrator of the crime. But in "real life" we're not always that lucky. Sometimes it is the guilty one who gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist, IF they get caught at all. People know how to be clever and how to lie their way out of a situation. It's human nature. It's not right, but that's how life is some times. No one ever said life was fair or it was going to be easy.

As I was headed into work this morning, someone had taped a flyer or sorts on the parking garage door to the elevator. It said "Free Positive Thoughts..Take One". So I did. I have it taped to my computer monitor at work. One line says "Let go, Let Be." Not always easy for someone who needs answers to questions. But at least those words will be in front of me every day and maybe someday they will sink in.

Missing Pieces

I've always had a hard time figuring out where i fit in. There never seems to be a place where i'm truly comfortable, except maybe in my bed. I know my mental illness has something to do with it, as well as my past.

For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle. 

Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this. 

But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting. 

i call hubby  "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says. 

You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.

The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.

It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.

I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken". 

And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life. 

One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.

My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance. There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.

And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!). My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out. 

My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be. 

I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel. The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i don't change things.

http://youtu.be/xCY2Ok7caeY 

 

Friendship

This blog has been inactive for quite some time. Matter of fact I had completely forgotten about it till i started reading some other blogs and stumbled across mine. So I figured, why not use it.. it's still there. Maybe it will give me a way of getting out what's on my chest. Daddy says I'm a good writer. But all I'm doing really is writing what's going on in my brain. 

So i thought my first post would be about friends and friendship...or in my case the lack there of....  

It seems that for me, making and keeping friends seems to be impossible. I will make friends with someone but it seems as if after a few weeks they move on.

This seems to be especially true in the online world. You "meet" people in chat rooms or on places like Facebook. For a while they're your friends. You chat every time you are online. You gravitate towards the same groups. 

But it seems like when all the "newness" wears off or you find other interests or what have you, then the friends you have made disappear. They all have their own lives, their own interests...it just doesn't include you anymore.

The best example of this that i can think of is to think back to when you were a teenager. I remember how when my girlfriends would have a new boyfriend no one would hear from them. It was like they dropped off the face of the earth. But as soon as problems would arise in the relationship or they'd break up..it's always the BFF's to the rescue.

I see this in the "real world" as well. There are gals i have known for the last 30 years..we went to high school together, we live only a few miles from each other. And yet we never hang out, we never talk. They are busy with their own lives, their own families. 

Maybe it's just a girl thing. Daddy has a bunch of friends that he's known since childhood. They all grew up in the same neighborhood, got into trouble together, drank together, partied together...and now they're middle aged men with families. They don't hang out a lot but still keep in touch. Sometimes they'll get together for a summer bar-be-cue or the wifes' birthday or the kids' graduation. And they're just a phone call away if they need help with anything. 

And so brings me to my quandary. i can never seem to make friends and if i manage to make some, i can't seem to keep them. It's very lonely when you don't have gal pals to chat with or hang out with. There's a gal who lives upstairs from me. We have become sorta friends. But it seems like i only hear from her when she wants something. I can't blame her, really. She has 3 small children running around. I remember when my kids were little like that..i was lucky if i had time to go to the bathroom. 

I created a page on Facebook (aside from my "public" profile) but hardly anyone looks at it. I only started it, really, as a way that i could post pics and comments that i didn't want on my public page and stuff i wanted Daddy to see but couldn't post publicly on his wall. It's disheartening, in a way, to see that there really isn't any interest in it. Maybe i'll rename it and try something different. Maybe it's just that the page is more of the same of what's out there. It's worth trying. Maybe I'll do that before I go to bed. 

Maybe it's the lack of anti-depressants that's making me feel this way. Maybe i'm just tired. I dunno. Each day is a crap shoot as to how I will feel. 

And so i will slog on.... tomorrow is another day.....

  

Independence is.....being owned.

If nothing else happens today.. it will still be a wonderful day!!!! My sweet love.... oh excuse me...my MASTER tried calling me at quarter to 6 this morning but i missed his call. i sent him a few texts, but didn't really get anything back until i told him that i was sorry that i got to bed late. i then got a "nods" from him (to me it means something). And a few seconds later got a phone call from him. He called me lil one (which is his kind of a pet name for me) and kind of chastised me for having the ringer off on my phone. Said he would see me soon and that he loved me. So i texted him back and apologized... called him my love... he texted back to knock off the love stuff and address him properly. So i did with a proper Yes Master.

OMG i could have exploded or imploded (since i had to sit here and do it quietly!). I am sooooo happy!!!! The only thing that would make me happier if he were standing in front of me and asking me to marry him. But this will do! :)

I don't know how long this will last because of his health. Maybe he got some good news from the doctor, or maybe for now he is feeling better. Who knows. It may only last a day or 2 like it did the last time. Only time will tell.

He didn't reinstate my rules or anything else. But he does know that i am trying to stick to some of the rules he gave me. I don't want to over analyze the situation. I want to enjoy it for what it is. Even if it's just for today. I will get one nice day like i did last Sunday. It's days like that that get me through the week.

Not planning on anything today. Not really in the mood to do anything. I'm not up for seeing fireworks. For some reason i have developed an aversion to large crowds. Just don't have the patience for it. Maybe just take my dog for a walk if the weather holds.