For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle.
Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this.
But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting.
i call hubby "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says.
You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.
The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.
It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.
I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken".
And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life.
One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.
My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance. There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.
And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!). My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out.
My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be.
I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel. The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i don't change things.
http://youtu.be/xCY2Ok7caeY
All I can say is if you want the D/s relationship do research and find what works for you but take it slow. If you want a relationship with your "Daddy" then the both of you are going to have to learn to trust each other. Communication is key in everything. We all have missing pieces I think. But thats how we start to make something new. I wasn't the same person I was ten years ago or even ten days ago lol. We take pieces away when we don't need them anymore or the universe or God depending how you look at it decides we don't need them anymore. Then when we find new ways of dealing with things we add the pieces back. Its a give and take...You'll make it...You're strong enough for this.
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