I've gotten to thinking lately about the show "Columbo". I haven't seen it in a long time but every once in a while they run some episodes on cable TV.
I always liked Columbo because of his unassuming mannerisms. He looked like some bumbling detective that wasn't really paying attention. But in all actuality he was noticing all the small details that no one else did. I always liked the way he'd approach the guilty party or someone associated with the crime and would say "Excuse me, Ma'am/Sir..I just have one more question for you." And, of course, the person would get all flustered and wonder why all the questions.
I guess I like him because he's a lot like me. I will dig and dig till I get the answers to the questions I have. It's as the saying goes, nothing is as it may seem. In a way, archaeologists and other scientists are like that too. They find a little piece of evidence and are able to build an entire case around that piece. And maybe that's why i like to read mystery novels and forensic mysteries. I'm like that annoying 4 year old that's always asking "But why...?"
When I am bothered by something I will keep searching until I either reach a dead end or I find the answers that I seek. Unfortunately, life isn't always that easy. Some times things just are. There is no answer. And those are the things that bug me the most. When I want to know why but I can't find the answer.
I am bipolar. And because of that, my mind will race when it is quietest. That's when those little "but why..." questions will haunt me. But also sometimes you can over think a situation until you've made it worse than it really was. And I think I do that sometimes just because I don't have all the answers to my questions. I torture myself into sleeplessness because I will dwell on a problem so much that in my mind I've turned it into the worst case scenario. It's part and parcel of the anxiety that comes with depression. It's called "Catastrophic Thinking".
So what to do when you don't have all the answers? When you just have to let something be because you can't find the answer? It almost becomes a paranoia because you feel like people are lying to you, or keeping things from you for one reason or another.
Like Columbo, I have that little voice inside that says something is just not right. That there's more to the story than is being told. Where I want to say "Excuse me... just one more question". I go over the "crime scene" in my mind with a fine tooth comb. I will analyze things that were said. And then something will pop in the back of my brain which makes me realize I DON'T have the whole story. And like Columbo, I will go back and take a second or even third look at the circumstances. "I don't mean to be a pest..but.." as Columbo would say when taking another look at the crime scene.
If only life were like a crime drama. Where it turns out that the person who we thought all along was the innocent person was actually the perpetrator of the crime. But in "real life" we're not always that lucky. Sometimes it is the guilty one who gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist, IF they get caught at all. People know how to be clever and how to lie their way out of a situation. It's human nature. It's not right, but that's how life is some times. No one ever said life was fair or it was going to be easy.
As I was headed into work this morning, someone had taped a flyer or sorts on the parking garage door to the elevator. It said "Free Positive Thoughts..Take One". So I did. I have it taped to my computer monitor at work. One line says "Let go, Let Be." Not always easy for someone who needs answers to questions. But at least those words will be in front of me every day and maybe someday they will sink in.
I've always had a hard time figuring out where i fit in. There never seems to be a place where i'm truly comfortable, except maybe in my bed. I know my mental illness has something to do with it, as well as my past.
For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle.
Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this.
But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting.
i call hubby "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says.
You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.
The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.
It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.
I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken".
And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life.
One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.
My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance. There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.
And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!). My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out.
My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be.
I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this
blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My
Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel.
The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my
fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i
don't change things.
http://youtu.be/xCY2Ok7caeY
Will i never learn? The last time i got silence from him this much was when he was with a Domme. She wouldn't let him talk to me or contact me in any way. I think that's what's going on this time. I'm sure if I look on Collar Me I will find his profile there saying he's owned and collared or at least back to the same "bisexual male slave willing to relocate". Same shit. Never changes.
Yet my pathetic ass loves him. Wants him. Would do anything to make him happy. I am afraid to contact him because I am so angry with him. It will just be snippy, angry words. I don't want another fight. Just want him to be honest with me.
He wanted me to call last week...said he missed my voice. But i was to call and leave a voice mail message. Then i asked if i could call after my therapy appt. He said ok. So i did. he sent me to voice mail. Won't talk to me. Barely texts me. When he does he says shit like he just wants me to keep loving him, thinking of you, just knowing you're here right now helps.... and on and on.... All b.s. lies.
My heart hurts. He does this to me all the time. And i let him. I let him walk all over me. I asked him about a few rules.. what about internet... too tired to talk about it. Asked him how i could earn a phone call... to exhausted to talk.. maybe tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. He said he was going to write me a long email... 2 weekends in a row. Never did. Too weak to sit at the computer. But he can sit at a goddamned poker table for 3 days. He can drive to the Jersey shore, to Atlantic City... but he can't drive up to see me for a few hours. Said "suppose it's my turn now, huh?' when i told him that Kate's Dom came to spend the night with her. I just said "lol" because i know he never will.
He said that we need to have a serious talk about us meeting and me getting out of here. He said he wants to make this real. Yeah yeah... more bullshit. And i believe every freakin lie because i want to. because i am pathetic. because i WANT to believe SOMEONE loves me.
He probably never did have a heart attack. Stan, Mike, and Bob are probably one and the same person.
And all he has to do to make me smile is send me some freakin text message... something sweet... and all my anger goes out the freakin window. How pathetic is that?
Top it all off I'm being forced to go back to a job that i hate. met with her yesterday. Same shit, different day. Nothing changes. All my fault, i wouldn't listen, yadda yadda.
Sometimes i wonder if it is me. I've had so many people tell me that. Maybe i am too stubborn for my own good. Maybe i just don't listen. i don't like change. i am a creature of habit. Too many things changing at once and i can't handle it. I feel like i am dangling by a string being held over a cliff. Waiting for it to all fall apart. To free fall with no one to catch me.
My life is a train wreck and its no ones fault but my own. My friends say i haven't been there for them and I know that. I've been trying to make this thing with Bob work but it doesn't happen. I try and try and try but nothing ever works. Ever. The harder i try the less i get. The more i want something the further away from me it gets. i give up. No point in even trying anymore. I give in and i give up.
This whole thing with Bob and I makes me wonder. All over the internet he is goes by "Mike" which is his dead twin brothers' name.
He tells me he does not have the strength to sit in front of a computer to send me an email yet he can spend 3 days at a poker table in Atlantic City.
He does not call me anymore. It is strictly text messages. And he hardly even does that any more. He tells me to keep loving him, that he loves me and cares about me... yet this is the way he shows is... by lying to me?!?!???!
It seems as if my whole life is falling apart before me and i am helpless to do anything about it. My husband disappears for hours at a time with no word of where he is going. If he does tell me its some bs story. My nerves are on edge.
I quit my job so that's adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to be forced to go back to my old job. It seems I can't escape no matter what I do. I can't escape any part of my life. I am helpless to change anything in my life. I am just a puppet for everyone else. I can't stand this anymore.
I take Xanax a lot to try to take the edge off. I can't keep living on medications to get through my life. And speaking of which, I'm just about out of everything that I take and no money to get anything refilled.
I've had a head cold which is killing me but i don't want to ask for anything because i know we don't have the money. I had a melanoma (skin cancer) patch removed from my foot last week. I could have used some ibuprofen for the pain but didn't ask for that either. Figured i would just deal with it. So now I have to wait for those results as well. 3 more days. If i don't hear anything then i know everything is ok.
I can't deal anymore. My nerves are shot. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just curl up and cry. I just want Bob to hold me but I know that's not a reality. He's just a fantasy. He will never be real. Just some photographs and text messages. Story of my life. I hate my life. I'm sick of it all.
