The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...    

Memories of a Shattered Soul

Alone I sit, a song plays, triggering a flood of memories. 

Memories of what once was. 

Summer winds blowing through an open window. 

A light on. 

Sitting alone waiting for someone to talk to. 

A night sky full of stars. 

A quiet room. 

How could I have fallen for a game? Or was it?  

The lines are blurred between what I thought was real and what reality was. 

How could I have fallen?

Crickets chirp. A dog barks in the distance.

Hello, are you there?

Are you listening?

Or am I all alone in this room?

Mistake after mistake I've made.

Will I ever get it right?

Maybe I'm not supposed to.

The distant rumble of thunder.

A flash in the sky.

The scent of rain in the air.

Has it all been in vain?

Why is it this way?

What have I done to deserve this?

What was so horribly wrong that I have done in this life?

I know memories will haunt me forever.

And with it pieces of a shattered heart remain.

Pieces of a shattered soul.

To never be the same again.

Memories that I will forever cherish.

Memories that I will hold onto forever.

And once in a while they will come flooding back to me.

And the feelings of them will engulf my mind and my soul.

Reminding me of a time that was and will never be again.    

           

The Deconstruction of a Relationship

It is truly a sad thing to watch a relationship slowly fall apart and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. All the things you once felt are gone. The relationship slowly dwindles. Neither of you have time for each other; there's always something else. 

Once you realize what is happening, you slowly begin to shut down and shut out the feelings. You become numb and indifferent to what is going on.

How did this happen? How did it get to this point? Why? You ask yourself the same questions over and over. It takes two people to make a relationship to work, but only one to destroy it.

This is what I feel is happening with my relationship and I don't know how I can fix it or if I even want to bother anymore. I'm tired, mentally and emotionally. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't really care about anything that is going on around me. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Same thing day after day. 

He says it's not true. He says it's all in my mind. Maybe it is. But all I can do it tell how I feel and how it would look to someone who didn't know us. 

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am incapable of maintaining a "real" adult relationship. Maybe there is just too many strikes against me. Maybe I am "settling" instead of holding out for what I truly want, if I even knew what that was. 

I see the same thing happening now that happened in my first marriage. There is a saying about how if it's just one person then it could be them. But if it's more than that, then maybe it is you. In other words, if someone says they don't like you or something you are doing, chances are it is just their opinion. But if a bunch of people observe the same thing, then chances are very good that it is you.

I don't know what the future holds, nor do I care. I will just go through each day doing the best that I can. It's all I can do. And I will watch this relationship either flounder and die or hope that things will change in the future for the better. My money is on the first rather than the latter.

      

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

This whole thing with Bob and I makes me wonder. All over the internet he is goes by "Mike" which is his dead twin brothers' name.

He tells me he does not have the strength to sit in front of a computer to send me an email yet he can spend 3 days at a poker table in Atlantic City.

He does not call me anymore. It is strictly text messages. And he hardly even does that any more. He tells me to keep loving him, that he loves me and cares about me... yet this is the way he shows is... by lying to me?!?!???!

It seems as if my whole life is falling apart before me and i am helpless to do anything about it. My husband disappears for hours at a time with no word of where he is going. If he does tell me its some bs story. My nerves are on edge.

I quit my job so that's adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to be forced to go back to my old job. It seems I can't escape no matter what I do. I can't escape any part of my life. I am helpless to change anything in my life. I am just a puppet for everyone else. I can't stand this anymore.

I take Xanax a lot to try to take the edge off. I can't keep living on medications to get through my life. And speaking of which, I'm just about out of everything that I take and no money to get anything refilled.

I've had a head cold which is killing me but i don't want to ask for anything because i know we don't have the money. I had a melanoma (skin cancer) patch removed from my foot last week. I could have used some ibuprofen for the pain but didn't ask for that either. Figured i would just deal with it. So now I have to wait for those results as well. 3 more days. If i don't hear anything then i know everything is ok.

I can't deal anymore. My nerves are shot. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just curl up and cry. I just want Bob to hold me but I know that's not a reality. He's just a fantasy. He will never be real. Just some photographs and text messages. Story of my life. I hate my life. I'm sick of it all.