5 Years Today

5 years ago today someone I loved very much died. I remember the pain I felt. I remember the tears that seemed like they would never stop. Slowly, over time, the pain became less. I would write letters on his birthday, our anniversary, and the anniversary of the day he died. It was my way of cleansing the pain from my soul. A kind of catharsis of sorts. 

I haven't thought about him all that much since my life headed in a different direction and I fell in love with someone. But, for some reason, today he is on my mind more than ever. I lost $20 this morning when I went to get breakfast at the hospital cafeteria. I'm very cautious about things like that. In a way, however stupid this may sound, it felt like i was being poked from above.. 

I remember after he died..i was laying in bed crying one night and I could have sworn I heard his voice beside me telling me not to cry. It was so close that I had to turn over to make sure he wasn't there. Then twice after that I had been in church and felt his hand on my shoulder. The first time it was awful. I felt nothing but pain and despair. I left the church crying. The last time that happened it was a more of a letting go. Of his saying to me that it was ok, that he knew I had someone looking after me and taking care of me. 

I know we will see each other again in heaven. I know he's in a better place and that he no longer hurts. It was not easy letting go, but then again we never really let go. We hold on to a little piece of them in our hearts and in our memories. 

 R.I.P. MJH 8/30/66 - 7/2/08

The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...    

Memories of a Shattered Soul

Alone I sit, a song plays, triggering a flood of memories. 

Memories of what once was. 

Summer winds blowing through an open window. 

A light on. 

Sitting alone waiting for someone to talk to. 

A night sky full of stars. 

A quiet room. 

How could I have fallen for a game? Or was it?  

The lines are blurred between what I thought was real and what reality was. 

How could I have fallen?

Crickets chirp. A dog barks in the distance.

Hello, are you there?

Are you listening?

Or am I all alone in this room?

Mistake after mistake I've made.

Will I ever get it right?

Maybe I'm not supposed to.

The distant rumble of thunder.

A flash in the sky.

The scent of rain in the air.

Has it all been in vain?

Why is it this way?

What have I done to deserve this?

What was so horribly wrong that I have done in this life?

I know memories will haunt me forever.

And with it pieces of a shattered heart remain.

Pieces of a shattered soul.

To never be the same again.

Memories that I will forever cherish.

Memories that I will hold onto forever.

And once in a while they will come flooding back to me.

And the feelings of them will engulf my mind and my soul.

Reminding me of a time that was and will never be again.    

           

Confusion and Hurt

My heart, my love is gone from me for good. We argued and he said that i was not to contact him ever again. I have tried repeatedly to text him, to try to fix this. He won't even acknowledge my texts. He's probably deleting them without ever reading them.

I have a feeling he went back to being a slave and has a Domme. It's been about a month or more that he stopped texting me except when he had to. He doesn't take any of my phone calls. He told me to call him last week but sent me directly to voice mail. Didn't even acknowledge that i called. I sent him a snotty text message saying how happy i was that i got to talk to his voice mail ONCE AGAIN. He didn't even apologize or try and call me back. That's why i think he has a Domme. He's done this before. Same behavior.

So why am i crying over this? He doesn't want me and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I was angry with him for not talking to me, for ignoring me. So now i'm crying, hurting, and trying to get him back. I guess when you love someone so much it doesn't matter.
I just wish i could have Bob back. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could fix this. To work together on making things better. I miss him so much. I never want to hurt this much ever again.
To add to all this, my best friend Rob told me that he has feelings for me... more than friendship, but he's confused. We spent a few hours last night talking about all this. He let me ask questions and let me ramble on more than i should have. We are both are afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid to get involved again. And right now i am hurting so it feels good to get that kind of attention from a man... he calls me baby and babe. I can text him and tell him i want him to hold me while i cry. He texted me last night told me to take a deep breath, smile and kiss him.

He lives in Colorado and may be moving back to California soon. The phone he uses for texting (he has 2) gets turned off periodically because he doesn't have the money to keep it on (he's got a Boost phone). I wish i had my own money then i could at least send him some to help him keep it on.

Without the option of texting it could be days or as much as week between when we can talk (like it will be this coming week). For me it's so hard to not talk to someone i care about for so long. That's what drove me nuts with Bob.

What's even worse is that there is a 2 hour time difference, so by the time he gets home from work at night, showers, and eats, it's like 9:30 my time. The last few days it's been after midnight before i got to sleep.

When i talk to Rob later today i'm gonna kinda blow off what i told him last night about how i feel. I think i said too much because all of a sudden he sends me a text saying he's tired, nite. Just out of no where. So i'm just gonna play it down... tell him that the reasons why i feel the way i do is because right now i am hurting and it feels good to have someone care & give me a little tlc. That i miss him during the day because i have no one to talk to so i watch the clock waiting for him to get home so we can talk. End of story. Hopefully that will fix things.

My husband doesn't like me seeing my therapist. I'm starting to be able to stand up for myself. He can't control me any more. I won't let him. I am trying to grow as a person. I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's scary. But i know i can do it. If i want my life to change i have to be the one to do it.

All we've been doing is fighting lately.He's put the screws on me.. i can't go anywhere myself (he even follows me to the bathroom!). i have to go with him or not at all. When i do go with him i can't wander away. I have to be within his site.. not more than 5 or 10 feet away. I hate that because i like to do things on my own. I need so space to unwind. To relax. Or to just think things through. I used to be able to take my dog to the park or on the bike trail. Now i can't go unless he comes with me. If i am so much as 5 minute late getting home at night he starts calling and won't give up. I got home late one night and he had called like 5 times. if i don't get out of here soon....

Ever since i got out of 4 Winds i stopped feeling i wanted to die. No matter how bad things got taking my life wasn't an option. I just wanted to work on changing things. Now... i've reached my breaking point. There are days lately when i just wish i were dead. I can't do this anymore.

I had a job interview for a photographer position! I almost fell off my chair when they called! This is amazing! My asshole husband won't let me take the job full time because it doesn't pay the same as my current job. When i went to the interview that was one thing the manager was impressed with... that i was available any time. I hated having to tell him that i was only available part time. I probably won't get the job because of that. Even though the manager was impressed with my portfolio and my credits.

And of course when i told my asshole husband that i had been called for an interview his only response was what time was i going to be home because we had to have dinner. Not one ounce of support. Nothing. Nada. I was all giggly and happy. He had to go and break that. No... that's wrong... i LET him do it. I shouldn't have. But i was happy... and no one gave a shit.As usual.

Premonitions

It was for real. He meant it. All my rules back in place and then some. And as usual, His health takes a nose dive. i stopped my check ins. And i told him. And He told me! slaves don't think... their Masters' do. slaves obey. And i have.

i haven't heard from Him since lunchtime (well, my lunchtime). He said he was feeling better. i don't think so. He's been sleeping all day. i haven't heard word one from Him. Not a peep. Not a "nods" or a "smiles". Nothing. But He wants me to keep checking in. He wants to keep things in place. i don't know why. For Him? For me?

i had a horrible premonition last night. That he would be dead within 48 hours. My premonitions are never wrong. When He told me today that He was feeling better, i was thankful that i was wrong this time. But He's not better. i think He just told me that so that i would relax. He knew that i was upset last night. He knew that i had been crying.

He won't even let me come see Him. Just a weekend. That's all i am asking. i told Him i would even be willing to just sit on the floor and watch Him sleep. Am i asking for too much? To spend 2 days with the Man i love more than life itself. To be able to put my arms around Him. To talk to Him. To look into those beautiful blue eyes of His.

i was just told to shut up and obey.... so i had better get off this. i don't have permission to be on here. i didn't ask. i just came home from work and turned it on. Bad decision on my part. THIS is why slaves don't think! lol