I've been with my sweetheart for a year now. He lives in NJ and I live in upstate NY. In the entire year we have been together we have never seen each other face to face. He always had an excuse. But I overlooked it because I love him.
We've had our share of bad times, and that is why I can't say anything more about this to my friends. They dislike him immensely. They don't want to hear about it anymore. For some reason they can't seem to see the good things. I guess because of what is going on now I can only see the good things because that is all that I want to remember. I am fully aware of all the crap he's put me through. But that is in the past. Over and done with.
To add a little twist to this whole story, I am involved in an alternative lifestyle known as BDSM. I got involved in it because of him. I was his slave and he was my Master. Although it was very difficult at times, i learned slowly and he was patient with me (ok, maybe not all the time!). But he took things slow, let me learn a little at a time. We learned together actually. Now that I don't have that anymore I greatly miss it. I miss the rules, the structure, the constant contact with him. He told me to focus on him. He became my world. Now I don't have that world and I am lost.
To complicate matters further, he is dying. Heart failure. He has cut himself off from everyone and everything in order to preserve his health. This includes me. I know hardly anything anymore as to what is going on in his life. I know that as of this writing he is back in the hosptial. Which scares the crap out of me because a year ago today his twin brother died of the exact same thing. I have asked him to either text me or call me and let me know how he feels... and he knows why i asked that. He said he would.
Let's add insult to injury. I was engaged to his twin brother. I still love him and miss him very much. And today is going to be a difficult day for me.
My life the soap opera. Believe me, I would do anything to have a nice quiet life. A dull, boring life. But that dull, boring life would have to consist of me married to him. The 2 of us creating a new life together. A fresh start. Just like he and I talked about, planned. Never happened.
I hate not hearing from him. I hate not knowing what's going on. He told me the other day that there is a lot of stress, in more than one way, with he and I. This has sat in my head and just made me feel... I don't know I can't find the word... not horrible, maybe restless... regret.... I want to say I'm sorry because I know that 90% of that stress came from me. My whole situation, the constant interruptions, the fact that I am a very emotional person who tends to fly off the handle at a drop of a hat, I jump to conclussions too easily. Maybe that comes from never having the stability with him. A lot of the time I never knew where I stood. He and I had so many ups and downs. We were always breaking up, getting back together.
The distance didn't help any. The fact that he would never come and see me no matter how much I asked. And now I will never get to see him at all, ever. There is too much stress for us to be together. He asked me would I rather have him long term this way or would I like to have him for a weekend and then he would be gone. Great choice.
That's all I have asked for.... actually even less. I asked to spend an afternoon together. Maybe go for coffee. I would even pay. I just wanted to know what it was like to be held, to be kissed by a man who loves me dearly. To know what it is like to touch him, to be able to look into those gorgeous blue eyes and say I love you. And now I will never get the chance. Just like his brother.
We only knew each other for 5 weeks and 4 days. He died the day before I was to go down and see him. Due to an incident I was unable to go to the funeral either. He was cremated so there's not even a grave site to visit. I had to say my good byes over the phone.
Am I going to have to do that again? Is that the only way I'm going to get to see him? When he's in the casket? I just hope someone has the decency to call me and at least let me know.
I have no idea at this point how he is feeling except what he has told me. When I asked him how long he has been in the hospital he wouldn't answer me. Just said that he had an arguement with his sister, got chest pains, and was in the hospital. He said he was feeling better and was hoping to be discharged today.
When I talked to him on the phone on Sunday afternoon he sounded really good. The photos he sent... mmmmm.... new look DEFINITELY suits him!!! Talk about good looking! Wow! :) This new look makes him look more like a Dominant than ever! I am one lucky lady to have a good guy like him. Even through all the crap, all the stress, he stayed with me. And basically we are still together. When he texted me tonight, to tell me about the hospital, he started with "hi my love". Made me smile. It was what followed that made my heart sink.
I have been praying every night. And I do believe God is listening. There has been lots of good news. But there has also been lots of bad news. He had been told a few weeks ago that his heart was getting stronger. Which was followed by news of 3 blood clots. The chest pains aren't going to do his heart any good either. It will just further weaken it.
He had tried to get away to the Jersey shore to just relax. He loves the beach as much as I do. He said he even felt better once he got there. And I am so glad. But this argument with his sister... just wasn't worth it. Undo all the good. His family should know better and so should he.
It was hard enough losing his brother. I don't want to know what this is going to be like. I try to save every voice mail message, every photograph, every text message. I even made a cd with a few voice mail messages on it... the "precious" ones.. the ones that were special.
I am dealing with this all on my own, with the exception of my therapist. And it's going to be a few weeks before I can see him again. So maybe this blog will be a good thing. Sometimes if you just get things out of your head, it's easier to think and to deal. We shall see..........
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