5 Years Today

5 years ago today someone I loved very much died. I remember the pain I felt. I remember the tears that seemed like they would never stop. Slowly, over time, the pain became less. I would write letters on his birthday, our anniversary, and the anniversary of the day he died. It was my way of cleansing the pain from my soul. A kind of catharsis of sorts. 

I haven't thought about him all that much since my life headed in a different direction and I fell in love with someone. But, for some reason, today he is on my mind more than ever. I lost $20 this morning when I went to get breakfast at the hospital cafeteria. I'm very cautious about things like that. In a way, however stupid this may sound, it felt like i was being poked from above.. 

I remember after he died..i was laying in bed crying one night and I could have sworn I heard his voice beside me telling me not to cry. It was so close that I had to turn over to make sure he wasn't there. Then twice after that I had been in church and felt his hand on my shoulder. The first time it was awful. I felt nothing but pain and despair. I left the church crying. The last time that happened it was a more of a letting go. Of his saying to me that it was ok, that he knew I had someone looking after me and taking care of me. 

I know we will see each other again in heaven. I know he's in a better place and that he no longer hurts. It was not easy letting go, but then again we never really let go. We hold on to a little piece of them in our hearts and in our memories. 

 R.I.P. MJH 8/30/66 - 7/2/08