It seems as if my depression has grabbed a hold of me and won't let go. It's supposed to be almost 50 degrees today and the sun is shining. I should be outside taking a walk. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing a lot of things,but instead I am in the recliner where I have been for the last 5 hours. This is exactly how I spent my day yesterday.
I've been working on my Facebook page, which is coming along nicely. I have over 200 likes and everyone has something nice to say. But today I just can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to post anything cheerful. Sigh....
I'm not the kind of person who is an "emotional eater". Usually when I am depressed I have no appetite whatsoever. But now all I crave is chocolate, sweets, and coffee. If I had money and the energy I'd probably walk over to Dunkin Donuts and get something there. So I guess it's lucky I don't have any money. I'm fat enough as it is.
There's been a huge...walls.. I dunno....but hubby and I... he called me yesterday when he was on a break and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to say to him. We don't talk at all. A few comments here and there on stuff like the news or a show.. When I go to bed, he goes in the living room till I get up (sometimes he'll come in around 5am and lay down for a bit). But for the most part we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.
I just see everything headed towards nothingness. He's got a job, but it's only part time and it's shit pay. We can't live off of my paycheck because I don't make enough either. Work for me sucks. I hate going to work. The girls that I work with...I've tried being friendly...maybe it's just me..but it just seems like they don't care for me very much. I have no friends to talk to or hang out with. Everyone is busy with their own lives and their own families. We have no money to go anywhere anyway. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get better.
I don't know if I need to go up on my anti-depressants or I'm just fed up with life in general. If that's the case, there isn't a pill in the world that can help that.
When hubby came home yesterday he said I looked pretty awful. Like I was overtired. Not overtired...overly fed up with life in general.
I'm tempted to close the bedroom door so I don't have to see the sunlight outside. I could care less. I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could find a better life.
I am thinking of you this morning.
ReplyDeleteI too have suffered times of trial. I do hope you have someone to talk with.
I shall keep you in my prayers dear one.
Thank you Laura for your reply. I never expect anyone to reply or even look at my blog.
DeleteThe funny thing, I wrote that a few weeks ago and nothing has changed.
And no, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I really don't have any friends. I email my friend Trisha sometimes, but she's got her own life to deal with.
The girls at work are nicer to me, which is a help.
I'm still in the recliner. It's 50 degrees out and sunny. There is a pile of dishes in the sink that need to be washed and I need to get dinner started. And you know what? I don't want to do anything. But I must. I have to force myself out of this chair and do SOMETHING.