The End of the End

Who knew at age 45 I would be burying my ex-husband merely 2 years after I left. Who knew that my children would be without a father, despite the shitty way he treated them. It makes me wonder if maybe I should have stayed. At least my kids would have me there for support and guidance. And I would have them for comfort and solace. If I could do it all over again.... Instead, I fucked myself and my life and my kids all in one fell swoop. And now I am left with nothing. 

I can't seem to get anything right in my life. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been disgraced or run out of town so to speak. Next year my daughter will be 18. If I had just stayed, I wouldn't have missed out on 2 years of my daughters' life at a time when she needed her mother the most. Instead, I was a bystander, an outsider. I find out what my kids are doing through facebook. That's how I found out their father was so sick. Yes, I had talked to my ex from time to time. I was aware of what he had. I knew he was going for tests and treatments. But I didn't find out how bad he was until my kids posted it on facebook. Not even a phone call. Not even a cry for help. Just status updates on facebook.

So now where do I go from here? I'm in a relationship that is slowly dying, much like my ex. With each passing day it's gets a little worse. With each mistake made by both it slowly dies. As am I. I have lost all interest in life. I don't care anymore. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to as more and more of my life is being sucked out of me. 

Perhaps I am meant to spend my life alone. I am a loner anyway. I can't get along with people. I don't know how to maintain the simplest of relationships. Hell, I don't even have one close friend. And as I was driving around last night, trying to find a place to go to because I didn't want to go home, I realized that my life is empty. I had no one I could call to hang out with. There was no one I could call just to talk. So I went to the next best place..my beloved water front. 

Somehow even that didn't feel the same. Something was different. I found no peace there. Perhaps it is right when they say you can't go home again. Nothing is ever the same when you turn around and leave. Life marches on with or without you. And I am left behind once again as the spectator. 

And so it will be the beginning of the end...