A Down-Home Kinda Thing....

Well, we finally got internet back. And it's nice to be back online again. Sort of. I have internet at work, so I've been checking in with my Facebook account. Not missing anything great. I've been following a bunch of tech & science pages (there's my inner geek coming out! lol) so I'm just getting caught up with that stuff. And trying to think about what I want to write about....

So, here I sit listening to Pandora. Country Music is the genre of choice tonight. "What Kinda Gone" by Chris Cagel is currently playing. Good, toe-tappin' kinda music! 

Ahhh..another favorite.."Red Solo Cup"!! Admit it..we all have them!!!! But, Toby Keith has made them cool to have!!! lol

I shoulda been a down-home country girl. I love the country. I love being on a farm. I would love to sit on the front porch swing with a glass of pink lemonade on a hot summers' evening watching the fire flies and hearing the crickets and frogs chirping. Where, no matter how old you are, your parents are still Momma and Daddy. Where people still have manners and say please and thank ya Ma'am. Where the 3 most important things in life are God, Country and Family. 

Cowboys are still cowboys but instead of horses they ride in pick-up trucks. And country girls still make the best woman a man could ask for for a wife. She's full of sweet sugar but with a twist of vinegar. And if you're a youngin' and you "gone done bad" you know you're in for a whoopin! 

But sadly, for the American farmer, it's no longer profitable to be a farmer. And factory work isn't an automatic guaranteed job either. Technology and a crappy economy is slowly destroying a way of life that's been around for more than 100 years.I just hope that it doesn't become extinct. It is part of our country. Our heritage. The kind of values this country was founded on.

A perfect song just came on to describe what I am trying to put into words "We Rode In Trucks" by Luke Bryan. 

"Down where I was born was heaven on earth
Where Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt
The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright

We raised cotton and corn, a little cane and kids
You either lived on a farm or wished you did
And Jesus always walked close by our side
Where I grew up, we rode in trucks

There's a lot about life we learned on the bus
How to lie, how to fight, how to kiss, how to cuss
The closer we sat to the back, the smarter we got

We were poor, we were ugly, we were all best friends
Wide-eyed, baptized but still wantin' to sin
Thank God, we get more than just one shot
Where I grew up, we rode in trucks

That's us haulin' hay in the field with the radio on
That's us headin' straight into town when the work was done
In my mind I can still see us now, ridin' down Buck Island Road
It wasn't that long ago

We thought tobacco and beer in a can
Was all it would take to be like our old man
Then I saw how it made my momma cry

It was huntin' and fishin' and football games
Then it was girls and everything changed
Fallin' in and out of love, we rode in trucks

That's us with our tailgates down in the parking lot
That's us with mud on our tires when it rained a lot
In my mind I can still see us now, ridin' down Buck Island Road
It wasn't that long ago, it's a part of my soul, yeah
It's a part of my soul, yeah

Down where I was born was heaven on earth
Where Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt
The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright
Where I grew up, we rode in trucks"

And so that's my ramble for tonight, such as it is. 

 

Excuse Me....just one more thing...

I've gotten to thinking lately about the show "Columbo". I haven't seen it in a long time but every once in a while they run some episodes on cable TV. 
I always liked Columbo because of his unassuming mannerisms. He looked like some bumbling detective that wasn't really paying attention. But in all actuality he was noticing all the small details that no one else did. I always liked the way he'd approach the guilty party or someone associated with the crime and would say "Excuse me, Ma'am/Sir..I just have one more question for you." And, of course, the person would get all flustered and wonder why all the questions.

I guess I like him because he's a lot like me. I will dig and dig till I get the answers to the questions I have. It's as the saying goes, nothing is as it may seem. In a way, archaeologists and other scientists are like that too. They find a little piece of evidence and are able to build an entire case around that piece. And maybe that's why i like to read mystery novels and forensic mysteries. I'm like that annoying 4 year old that's always asking "But why...?"

When I am bothered by something I will keep searching until I either reach a dead end or I find the answers that I seek. Unfortunately, life isn't always that easy. Some times things just are. There is no answer. And those are the things that bug me the most. When I want to know why but I can't find the answer.

I am bipolar. And because of that, my mind will race when it is quietest. That's when those little "but why..." questions will haunt me. But also sometimes you can over think a situation until you've made it worse than it really was. And I think I do that sometimes just because I don't have all the answers to my questions. I torture myself into sleeplessness because I will dwell on a problem so much that in my mind I've turned it into the worst case scenario. It's part and parcel of the anxiety that comes with depression. It's called "Catastrophic Thinking".

So what to do when you don't have all the answers? When you just have to let something be because you can't find the answer?  It almost becomes a paranoia because you feel like people are lying to you, or keeping things from you for one reason or another. 

Like Columbo, I have that little voice inside that says something is just not right. That there's more to the story than is being told. Where I want to say "Excuse me... just one more question". I go over the "crime scene" in my mind with a fine tooth comb. I will analyze things that were said. And then something will pop in the back of my brain which makes me realize I DON'T have the whole story. And like Columbo, I will go back and take a second or even third look at the circumstances. "I don't mean to be a pest..but.." as Columbo would say when taking another look at the crime scene.

If only life were like a crime drama. Where it turns out that the person who we thought all along was the innocent person was actually the perpetrator of the crime. But in "real life" we're not always that lucky. Sometimes it is the guilty one who gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist, IF they get caught at all. People know how to be clever and how to lie their way out of a situation. It's human nature. It's not right, but that's how life is some times. No one ever said life was fair or it was going to be easy.

As I was headed into work this morning, someone had taped a flyer or sorts on the parking garage door to the elevator. It said "Free Positive Thoughts..Take One". So I did. I have it taped to my computer monitor at work. One line says "Let go, Let Be." Not always easy for someone who needs answers to questions. But at least those words will be in front of me every day and maybe someday they will sink in.

Missing Pieces

I've always had a hard time figuring out where i fit in. There never seems to be a place where i'm truly comfortable, except maybe in my bed. I know my mental illness has something to do with it, as well as my past.

For anyone who has read this whole blog beginning to end will be familiar with what i've been through. I gave up being a submissive/slave when i met "Daddy". I chose a relationship with a person who loves me for real over a relationship which more than likely would never have gone any further that it had. And i don't regret a moment of it. I love Daddy and he is good to me. But there was a part of me that missed the lifestyle. 

Daddy and i tried 3 times to make the whole D/s thing work. But as a submissive who had no formal training other than a long distance relationship i'm not equipped to "train" or even mentor someone to be a Dominant. Daddy has a naturally Dominant personality, which is why i approached Him to try this. 

But i became so frustrated with things that i said enough was enough. It just seemed like it caused more arguments and fighting. 

i call hubby  "Daddy" because He likes to be Daddy. He says i will always be His little girl. He likes that side of me. But the little girl side of me has went into hiding. How can i just relax when there's always so much to deal with? Add to that that there was a recent incident in our relationship that broke my trust in Daddy and made me question everything he does or says. 

You can't have a D/s or M/s relationship unless both parties know that they can trust each other without question. And i know that Daddy doesn't fully trust me because of something i did early on in our relationship. So now we're even..tit for tat so to speak. i know i will never have the D/s relationship again, with anyone and i feel like i'm on the outside looking in.

The page i started i had originally wanted it to be about BDSM and the Daddy/little girl relationship in particular. But the more i looked around, it seemed like all i was doing was regurgitating what was already on other pages. So again i have no direction involving the lifestyle or the page in general.

It seems like i'm always picking up the pieces and starting over. But how many times can one person do that before you come up missing a piece here and there? And that's how i feel. Like there are a couple of pieces missing here and there.

I've put my anti-depressant meds on hold for the time being due to side effects. So maybe that's part of the issue. I feel my mood starting to slip again. I've stopped seeing my therapist because when i go all i do is talk to her about my relationship with Daddy. She's not a marriage counselor. She's a psychotherapist. But i know i can't just be on meds, i need therapy so i can try to "fix" what's "broken". 

And again..missing pieces and on the outside looking in.. i've realized that i can't change what happened to me in the past. i can just deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with my life. 

One of the missing pieces were my kids. But slowly they are coming around. My oldest who hasn't said 2 words to me in almost 2 years now wants to come over for dinner and has asked Daddy to help him out every once in while. His fiance is a sweetheart and she genuinely loves my son.

My middle son there really isn't anything i can do about him. He's 22 and old enough to make up his own mind. He's done a good job of looking out for his sister since i've been "ex-communicated" from their lives (their choice, not mine). It seems like he tries to keep me at a distance. There's nothing i can do about that. I have to accept that it is what it is.

And my daughter.. my baby...will be 17 in a few weeks (where has the time gone?!). My relationship with her is tenuous at best. She calls Daddy her step-dad, which is real progress. But it seems the more we try and reach out, the further away she gets. So i can't do anything more there either. I just have to wait it out. 

My life seems to be missing pieces all over. Maybe my life has just fallen apart one too many times. Maybe i just need more time to get to where i need to be. 

I heard a song on the Country Music Channel tonight which made me think and what inspired this blog tonight. I'm including the link to it. It's a song called "My Fault Too" by Candi Carpenter. The lyrics to the song resonated within me because it's kind of how i feel. The last lines of the refrain says "If I don't change me, then it's my fault too". How true is that. I have no one to blame but myself if i don't change things.

http://youtu.be/xCY2Ok7caeY 

 

Friendship

This blog has been inactive for quite some time. Matter of fact I had completely forgotten about it till i started reading some other blogs and stumbled across mine. So I figured, why not use it.. it's still there. Maybe it will give me a way of getting out what's on my chest. Daddy says I'm a good writer. But all I'm doing really is writing what's going on in my brain. 

So i thought my first post would be about friends and friendship...or in my case the lack there of....  

It seems that for me, making and keeping friends seems to be impossible. I will make friends with someone but it seems as if after a few weeks they move on.

This seems to be especially true in the online world. You "meet" people in chat rooms or on places like Facebook. For a while they're your friends. You chat every time you are online. You gravitate towards the same groups. 

But it seems like when all the "newness" wears off or you find other interests or what have you, then the friends you have made disappear. They all have their own lives, their own interests...it just doesn't include you anymore.

The best example of this that i can think of is to think back to when you were a teenager. I remember how when my girlfriends would have a new boyfriend no one would hear from them. It was like they dropped off the face of the earth. But as soon as problems would arise in the relationship or they'd break up..it's always the BFF's to the rescue.

I see this in the "real world" as well. There are gals i have known for the last 30 years..we went to high school together, we live only a few miles from each other. And yet we never hang out, we never talk. They are busy with their own lives, their own families. 

Maybe it's just a girl thing. Daddy has a bunch of friends that he's known since childhood. They all grew up in the same neighborhood, got into trouble together, drank together, partied together...and now they're middle aged men with families. They don't hang out a lot but still keep in touch. Sometimes they'll get together for a summer bar-be-cue or the wifes' birthday or the kids' graduation. And they're just a phone call away if they need help with anything. 

And so brings me to my quandary. i can never seem to make friends and if i manage to make some, i can't seem to keep them. It's very lonely when you don't have gal pals to chat with or hang out with. There's a gal who lives upstairs from me. We have become sorta friends. But it seems like i only hear from her when she wants something. I can't blame her, really. She has 3 small children running around. I remember when my kids were little like that..i was lucky if i had time to go to the bathroom. 

I created a page on Facebook (aside from my "public" profile) but hardly anyone looks at it. I only started it, really, as a way that i could post pics and comments that i didn't want on my public page and stuff i wanted Daddy to see but couldn't post publicly on his wall. It's disheartening, in a way, to see that there really isn't any interest in it. Maybe i'll rename it and try something different. Maybe it's just that the page is more of the same of what's out there. It's worth trying. Maybe I'll do that before I go to bed. 

Maybe it's the lack of anti-depressants that's making me feel this way. Maybe i'm just tired. I dunno. Each day is a crap shoot as to how I will feel. 

And so i will slog on.... tomorrow is another day.....

  

Confusion and Hurt

My heart, my love is gone from me for good. We argued and he said that i was not to contact him ever again. I have tried repeatedly to text him, to try to fix this. He won't even acknowledge my texts. He's probably deleting them without ever reading them.

I have a feeling he went back to being a slave and has a Domme. It's been about a month or more that he stopped texting me except when he had to. He doesn't take any of my phone calls. He told me to call him last week but sent me directly to voice mail. Didn't even acknowledge that i called. I sent him a snotty text message saying how happy i was that i got to talk to his voice mail ONCE AGAIN. He didn't even apologize or try and call me back. That's why i think he has a Domme. He's done this before. Same behavior.

So why am i crying over this? He doesn't want me and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I was angry with him for not talking to me, for ignoring me. So now i'm crying, hurting, and trying to get him back. I guess when you love someone so much it doesn't matter.
I just wish i could have Bob back. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could fix this. To work together on making things better. I miss him so much. I never want to hurt this much ever again.
To add to all this, my best friend Rob told me that he has feelings for me... more than friendship, but he's confused. We spent a few hours last night talking about all this. He let me ask questions and let me ramble on more than i should have. We are both are afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid to get involved again. And right now i am hurting so it feels good to get that kind of attention from a man... he calls me baby and babe. I can text him and tell him i want him to hold me while i cry. He texted me last night told me to take a deep breath, smile and kiss him.

He lives in Colorado and may be moving back to California soon. The phone he uses for texting (he has 2) gets turned off periodically because he doesn't have the money to keep it on (he's got a Boost phone). I wish i had my own money then i could at least send him some to help him keep it on.

Without the option of texting it could be days or as much as week between when we can talk (like it will be this coming week). For me it's so hard to not talk to someone i care about for so long. That's what drove me nuts with Bob.

What's even worse is that there is a 2 hour time difference, so by the time he gets home from work at night, showers, and eats, it's like 9:30 my time. The last few days it's been after midnight before i got to sleep.

When i talk to Rob later today i'm gonna kinda blow off what i told him last night about how i feel. I think i said too much because all of a sudden he sends me a text saying he's tired, nite. Just out of no where. So i'm just gonna play it down... tell him that the reasons why i feel the way i do is because right now i am hurting and it feels good to have someone care & give me a little tlc. That i miss him during the day because i have no one to talk to so i watch the clock waiting for him to get home so we can talk. End of story. Hopefully that will fix things.

My husband doesn't like me seeing my therapist. I'm starting to be able to stand up for myself. He can't control me any more. I won't let him. I am trying to grow as a person. I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's scary. But i know i can do it. If i want my life to change i have to be the one to do it.

All we've been doing is fighting lately.He's put the screws on me.. i can't go anywhere myself (he even follows me to the bathroom!). i have to go with him or not at all. When i do go with him i can't wander away. I have to be within his site.. not more than 5 or 10 feet away. I hate that because i like to do things on my own. I need so space to unwind. To relax. Or to just think things through. I used to be able to take my dog to the park or on the bike trail. Now i can't go unless he comes with me. If i am so much as 5 minute late getting home at night he starts calling and won't give up. I got home late one night and he had called like 5 times. if i don't get out of here soon....

Ever since i got out of 4 Winds i stopped feeling i wanted to die. No matter how bad things got taking my life wasn't an option. I just wanted to work on changing things. Now... i've reached my breaking point. There are days lately when i just wish i were dead. I can't do this anymore.

I had a job interview for a photographer position! I almost fell off my chair when they called! This is amazing! My asshole husband won't let me take the job full time because it doesn't pay the same as my current job. When i went to the interview that was one thing the manager was impressed with... that i was available any time. I hated having to tell him that i was only available part time. I probably won't get the job because of that. Even though the manager was impressed with my portfolio and my credits.

And of course when i told my asshole husband that i had been called for an interview his only response was what time was i going to be home because we had to have dinner. Not one ounce of support. Nothing. Nada. I was all giggly and happy. He had to go and break that. No... that's wrong... i LET him do it. I shouldn't have. But i was happy... and no one gave a shit.As usual.

When is enough too much?

Will i never learn? The last time i got silence from him this much was when he was with a Domme. She wouldn't let him talk to me or contact me in any way. I think that's what's going on this time. I'm sure if I look on Collar Me I will find his profile there saying he's owned and collared or at least back to the same "bisexual male slave willing to relocate". Same shit. Never changes.

Yet my pathetic ass loves him. Wants him. Would do anything to make him happy. I am afraid to contact him because I am so angry with him. It will just be snippy, angry words. I don't want another fight. Just want him to be honest with me.

He wanted me to call last week...said he missed my voice. But i was to call and leave a voice mail message. Then i asked if i could call after my therapy appt. He said ok. So i did. he sent me to voice mail. Won't talk to me. Barely texts me. When he does he says shit like he just wants me to keep loving him, thinking of you, just knowing you're here right now helps.... and on and on.... All b.s. lies.

My heart hurts. He does this to me all the time. And i let him. I let him walk all over me. I asked him about a few rules.. what about internet... too tired to talk about it. Asked him how i could earn a phone call... to exhausted to talk.. maybe tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. He said he was going to write me a long email... 2 weekends in a row. Never did. Too weak to sit at the computer. But he can sit at a goddamned poker table for 3 days. He can drive to the Jersey shore, to Atlantic City... but he can't drive up to see me for a few hours. Said "suppose it's my turn now, huh?' when i told him that Kate's Dom came to spend the night with her. I just said "lol" because i know he never will.

He said that we need to have a serious talk about us meeting and me getting out of here. He said he wants to make this real. Yeah yeah... more bullshit. And i believe every freakin lie because i want to. because i am pathetic. because i WANT to believe SOMEONE loves me.

He probably never did have a heart attack. Stan, Mike, and Bob are probably one and the same person.

And all he has to do to make me smile is send me some freakin text message... something sweet... and all my anger goes out the freakin window. How pathetic is that?

Top it all off I'm being forced to go back to a job that i hate. met with her yesterday. Same shit, different day. Nothing changes. All my fault, i wouldn't listen, yadda yadda.

Sometimes i wonder if it is me. I've had so many people tell me that. Maybe i am too stubborn for my own good. Maybe i just don't listen. i don't like change. i am a creature of habit. Too many things changing at once and i can't handle it. I feel like i am dangling by a string being held over a cliff. Waiting for it to all fall apart. To free fall with no one to catch me.

My life is a train wreck and its no ones fault but my own. My friends say i haven't been there for them and I know that. I've been trying to make this thing with Bob work but it doesn't happen. I try and try and try but nothing ever works. Ever. The harder i try the less i get. The more i want something the further away from me it gets. i give up. No point in even trying anymore. I give in and i give up.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

This whole thing with Bob and I makes me wonder. All over the internet he is goes by "Mike" which is his dead twin brothers' name.

He tells me he does not have the strength to sit in front of a computer to send me an email yet he can spend 3 days at a poker table in Atlantic City.

He does not call me anymore. It is strictly text messages. And he hardly even does that any more. He tells me to keep loving him, that he loves me and cares about me... yet this is the way he shows is... by lying to me?!?!???!

It seems as if my whole life is falling apart before me and i am helpless to do anything about it. My husband disappears for hours at a time with no word of where he is going. If he does tell me its some bs story. My nerves are on edge.

I quit my job so that's adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to be forced to go back to my old job. It seems I can't escape no matter what I do. I can't escape any part of my life. I am helpless to change anything in my life. I am just a puppet for everyone else. I can't stand this anymore.

I take Xanax a lot to try to take the edge off. I can't keep living on medications to get through my life. And speaking of which, I'm just about out of everything that I take and no money to get anything refilled.

I've had a head cold which is killing me but i don't want to ask for anything because i know we don't have the money. I had a melanoma (skin cancer) patch removed from my foot last week. I could have used some ibuprofen for the pain but didn't ask for that either. Figured i would just deal with it. So now I have to wait for those results as well. 3 more days. If i don't hear anything then i know everything is ok.

I can't deal anymore. My nerves are shot. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just curl up and cry. I just want Bob to hold me but I know that's not a reality. He's just a fantasy. He will never be real. Just some photographs and text messages. Story of my life. I hate my life. I'm sick of it all.